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life-rewritten · 4 years ago

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Fish Upon the Sky Episode 1-7 (The Problems with Walls; An analysis on Duen and Pi)

I swear, if I could just settle down, stop running away and actually analyse FUTS the way I usually do. I would have so many essays by now on how authentic and deep this show can get with some of its characterisations. As I write this FUTS essay that has constantly been plaguing me and making me frustrated that no one else is seeing these themes, I realise again sadly how this director has sadly failed to show the vision of what he wanted for the series. An essay on how DuenMeen and MorkPi mirror each other so much with their themes, it sounds crazy to think that they do because their storylines on the surface seem different at times. Still, also their love interests act differently towards them, and they have different dynamics with them. But that's what's so great about meta and mirroring in TV, especially in shows that aren't meant to be seen as deep or purposely filled with hints and clues to break down. Fish upon the Sky is one of those shows. It struggles to find a balance between wanting to be more profound and showing exciting themes vs pleasing and appealing to the audience, using humour and other exaggerated performances/narratives to do so. However, the writer of Fish upon the sky novel has always had her works struggle with these issues and themes. Jittirain always writes emotional stories about unrequited love, with different lessons, ideas, or characterisations that people fail to understand or truly value because the meta/depth of their personalities is hidden or misunderstood by their own directors. This is what happened in 2gether; this is what also happened in Theory of Love.

A Misunderstood Duo

In order to really understand how grand the narrative the show is failing to truly flesh out is, you need to understand that Pi and Duen (the two main characters of the show) are the narrators of both their own stories. Pi's is Fish upon the sky whilst Duen is Leech upon the sky (😂😂) but what's great is that you can already see the mirroring/similarities just by their titles. Even though their insecurities and worries seem different, it's the same theme for them; both struggle with love because they secretly have a lot of self-deprecation and hesitancy from how people have treated them. It's not as noticeable when you see Duen's characterisation/storyline, but if you truly focus on the themes of his narrative without being distracted by the loud comedic routine he has, you'd see that his biggest insecurity, that he tries to be defensive and act like he doesn't care about is his dumbness. He genuinely feels weaker/inferior because he's known as being dumb to everyone around him. He struggles to process anything that is complex and requires more depth or thought. It's played for laughs because he relishes in the idea that people feel exasperated by his actions. He acts like he doesn't get bothered by how people perceive him because he's still seen as socially acceptable, unlike Pi, who's actually bullied and alienated from society because of his own 'flaws'.

But you can see that it's all a façade when it comes to Duen, just like with how Pi handles his own insecurities and trauma to do with his perceived flaws. It's why Duen chooses to lie to Meen that he's a dentist. He didn't want him to see him the same way others do. This already should show that he doesn't actually enjoy being seen as dumb, but he has walls up to make it seem like he doesn't care. He knows he's constantly being compared to others, but he can't change who he is (just like Pi didn't also want to change how he looked or acted to please people at first). So he jokes and tries to see a positive in being that way; he starts to want to slack off and cheat off others when it comes to work. He stops taking University seriously and repeats classes constantly because he always fails. That is until Meen shows up, and then he starts to want Meen to believe he's something more. Why?

But in case I haven't repeated it enough, Duen is like Pi, whose insecurity is easier to see since we watched him get attacked and bullied for it immediately in the first episode. It's Pi's true thoughts and opinions we see in the show as the audience, whilst Duen's story is hidden with comic relief and unseriousness. They both try to act like they're okay with what they are being judged by in society. Thus, they act confident, they're both loud, they're selfish, acting like they don't care how people see them. Preventing others from getting to hurt them by making it look like they are in control of what they have and use that to their own advantage with others.

They both stay heavily in denial about their true feelings in general, but primarily with the critical focus; the people who make them question everything about their flaws that come into their life and frighten them the most. The ones that break down those facades; make them automatically want to run away whilst being unable to stop showing and escaping their true feelings whenever they're in their presence.

The Use of Humour and Sarcasm

So what we end up with is a narrative with two incredibly annoying and flawed characters who are seen in the audience as exaggerated caricatures for comic relief and shallow storytelling. And it's brilliant because both their unlikable/loud, selfish personalities are just fake walls built, so they don't crumble and get affected by how society views them or wants them to act. So you see, there's the issue that people keep misunderstanding about these two stories, especially about these two brothers. They're realistic; they're flawed because they've been affected by society and the environment around them. They're acting like how anyone who's been hurt before would act, they have built up walls, and they've decided to just stay by themselves and let that guide them in everything. They deal with their issues with sarcasm and humour to reduce the seriousness of the situation, so they don't appear weak or let anything hurt them.

That's why I love this narrative of FUTS, it's meta and more profound than people think, but because the director doesn't do the best to show it, it can get lost in all the exaggerated humour. For example, with Pi, because he's socially anxious and always overthinks how people think of him (due to his past experiences of being abused and hurt by being ignorant of how people thought of him), his world is wildly exaggerated in his head. The way he narrates the story is played for laughs and is a very telling and realistic representation of how overthinking is expressed in his mind; it's overdone, loud and nonsensical at times. That's what social anxiety does; it makes you cry about one stare, one laugh, one action someone does, it makes you panic over the most minor things, and Pi does that with panic and boisterous, sarcastic humour from the start of the show.

Hence his story also has exaggerated humour because he deals with his issues with that fake jokes and sarcasm. So the show also exaggerated humour too when we are in his perspective. This is actually similar to Duen's breaking the 4th wall narrative style of his storyline. As with Duen, whose narrator of his story mocks and laughs at his actions ironically. When really that is just literally himself fighting with his inner voice about his true feelings about Meen. He breaks the 4th wall because he's internalising his own emotions and dealing with them as a skit; the narrator is his true self ridiculing him for not accepting that he has feelings for Meen and that he's not as bright/cool as he thinks he is. So if we understand this and notice that the narrator makes fun of him constantly and jokes about his actions, you'll realise that Duen sees himself that way too; he sees himself as a joke. He doesn't see himself as suave and carefree; he actually mocks himself internally for being dumb and being gross.

Pi: The Need for Protection and Avoidance

So already, just from breaking it down with this point of view, Duen and Pi mirror each other so well, and their narratives because of this focus on the same themes and ideas of self-discovery. Both are flawed characters with a lot of vulnerabilities and pain that they refuse to deal with properly. An id ego defence mechanism catalysed because of their past experiences and protection of their mental space. They both stay in denial, hurting who they love by refusing to let them get to see them without the walls down and more. Pi hates that he loses control with Mork and refuses to let Mork have his heart because he believes Mork is too good for someone like him secretly. He knows he'll be the one damaged. Hence the choice to intentionally misinterpret his brother's metaphor on the vaccine analogy and view it as the complication with getting with Mork. Let me try and use this to break down his mindset with why he chose to still choose Nan even though he knows (he does know) that he wants to be with Mork romantically. Listen to the analogy his brother uses. He mentions the iatrogenic vaccine, a vaccine intended for a patient that starts helping the patient be well but actually causes more harm than good. The end result is because of the incompatibility of the vaccine and the time it takes for those results to show up in the patient and make their lives affected in a negative conclusion.

A vaccine ironically is meant to be an antidote, something that saves people, that helps and makes them feel better. And that's what Mork says he wants to be for Pi, it's romantic, but once his brother announces a different version of a vaccine, Pi jumps with that analogy and believes that's the truth about Mork and him that makes sense to him, than seeing it positively. So with this analogy, we can break it down this way:

The Iatrogenic vaccine was too different and incompatible with the patient. Which is what Pi believes about Mork. Remember, Pi doesn't think (because of what people have told him) that he deserves loyalty and love from people better looking/capable than him. He sees Mork in this light from the start; he views Mork as a rival because Mork is good looking, popular, strong and cool, basically things that are not associated with Pi to others. So Mork and him are incompatible in Pi's mind. This is why Pi constantly asks Mork why he wants to be close to him. He just doesn't understand it.

Second, the Iatrogenic vaccine starts off good but causes damages in an irreparable way to the patient. It's the patient that ends up being affected by this vaccine interaction, not the vaccine that caused it. Before Wan starts this vaccine conversation, he discusses how people around his hospital are patients primarily because of heartbreak; they come in with damaged mindsets, broken hearts and self-harming injuries because of being hurt by love and letting themselves be vulnerable to that. All Pi hears is people hurt themselves over the pain of heartbreak and being abandoned. That's the complication if he does finally trust Mork. Especially after Mork and him get to be close, it'd be just like with everyone who has gotten to know him in the past, who stayed by his side as 'friends', once they learnt about him, what they said is that he wasn't worth being loyal to. So many people used and deserted him, and it almost broke him. This is why Pi grow the walls he has now. Even though Pi is chasing after Nan, he's not expecting an answer from Nan that's positive; Nan is a fantasy, something he can use as a goal to want to keep chasing and distracting himself from that singleness and loneliness he felt at the start of the show. This is why he's doing all of this; he just wants a distraction from the mess of his life. But to Pi, Mork? Mork is real. He's serious; he's someone who Pi actually truly will be damaged by if he's hurt and left by him; he's someone who Pi truly loves and is real to Pi, it's terrifying, and so he rather just avoid that because of the risk of a complication. To be that patient tricked by the vaccine and left to deal with those consequences all alone? Yeh, no, he can't do that. Pi sees him as a friend and doesn’t want to end that because that's the first thing in a while that has made him feel actually happy being himself and accepted. Being friends with Mork makes him feel safe. So again, it's selfish, but it’s all about him preserving what he already has with Mork rather than damaging it.

Those complications are exactly that result if he lets Mork in romantically and Mork sees his true self and leaves like everyone; it’s not Mork who’d be hurt. It’s Pi who’d have nothing more to believe in if he lets himself be that vulnerable. Again Pi is thinking with his head when it comes to Mork; there’s a massive risk if someone takes the wrong vaccine, that person is damaged because of it. Pis journey with Mork is the same thought process that friends to lovers have. The fear of losing each other if they cross that line, of taking things too far and ruining the foundation they had that made them safe. The fear of the love being false as it always has been from others. Pi thinks he likes Mork because how can he not? However, Mork is always there, making it hard for him to think. He associates Mork with niceness and protectiveness, but that doesn’t mean he has to accept him romantically, and Mork sees right through him and is fond of breaking down those walls he put so high up to ensure he doesn't get hurt again. Mork is the one pushing Pi further away from him the more he clings because Pi doesn’t like losing control. Same as Duen. And Mork doesn’t let him just figure it out without manipulating everything; the more he does that, the more Pi feels manipulated and tricked into wanting Mork as a partner, and that's too scary for Pi. This is why it’ll be massive when he finds out who Mork truly is on his phone as the guy from nearby faculty.

Duen: The Need for Nonchalance and Ignorance

Duen is the inversion with his storyline; he tries to look cool and better to Meen, refusing Meen to see him when he's worried, anxious or insecure because he himself shuts off those emotions whenever Meen triggers them. He doesn't want to face the truth, that he hates being seen as dumb and not being seen as a hero to Meen. He lies to Meen because he's trying to keep him by his side without actually letting him see his true self. After all, if he does, he also may judge or leave him too (guess what same as Pi's worries with Mork. Mirroring!). Duen tries to act unaffected just like Pi does with Mork because again, they both know once they break down and give in, there's no turning back, they will be exposed, and the' truth' about them (which they believe and see about themselves) will push the people they truly want by their sides away.

So instead, they grapple for control by faking lack of care and feelings for their partner; they refuse to apologise quickly and refuse to give in easily to them to further their relationships, increase their trust and let them in. They refuse to let go of their fake personas and fake masks and walls they've built and try hard to hold onto the facade, which hurts Meen and Mork in the end. They both push and pull and show signs of vulnerability and romance only when they're alone with no one else around (like the tent scene with MeenDuen and the after school night scene with MorkPi outside). They show worry, devotion, and they show that they want them by their side. And these are the moments when we actually get to truly see who they are without their walls, their fake personas unshed, and their niceness, their care and protectiveness over them exposed.

Wan: The Comparison and Norm

When we're first introduced to the show, Wan is mentioned almost immediately as we see Pi's struggles. Because of Wan's reputation, people choose to crowd around Pi, and it's sad, but I also think Duen also had this same issue, just a bit different. With Pi, it's about his outer appearance, his beauty standards vs society's. It's exposed to him he lacks those, but it's his intelligence similar to Wan that makes people stay by his side at first. He also studies dentistry as Wan studied Medicine, viewed by societal standards as impressive and praiseworthy. Pi is used by people who want to both get to Wan and want to profit from his brain and abilities. Duen is the inverted version of this; he is seen as handsome and cool and aloof, a bit messy, but the reason why Meen first leaches onto him is his street smarts and survival skills with social interactions, he knows the right people, he is seen as cool by others including Pi, but he's also seen as dumb. He's failed repeatedly, unlike his brothers at trying to obtain a degree. So he has the outer appearance but lacks the next valuable thing in society's opinion; brains and the ability to increase your status by your talents and skills. Duen lacks that; he doesn't have any specific things about himself that he can fully be proud of. He's not highly talented, he's not intelligent, and he's also not viewed by women as extremely attractive or awe-worthy. He nonchalantly takes on this persona; he chooses to block any worries about things being serious because he lacks the smarts to think of things deeply or ponder about life's questions.

He's insecure, however, about this, and you see it when he tries to join in with Wan and Pi when they discuss vaccines and love. As Pi transforms for Nan, his lie is that he's well of without other people in his life like Mork; he pretends he's okay being seen as loud, not friendly, selfish etc. Duen's own lie to Meen is that he is a version of Wan, of what people think Wan is; intelligent, put together and reliable. Because what Duen wants from Meen all the time (he doesn't realise he already has this devotion from Meen for just being himself when he's not trying) is for Meen to want to rely on him since that's precisely what Meen keeps telling him he likes about him, or wants to learn from him; street smarts etc. Duen likes being seen as a protector, a hero, a helper etc., to Meen. And that's why he stays adamant with his lie and refuses to let Meen truly see him below the surface.

Like Pi, he also doesn't want to admit what he knows and has fought to accept, which is, he loves Meen and wants him by his side. It's the fear of losing what he has with Meen that makes him do what he does, which is the same reason Pi also keeps rejecting Mork; it's the fear of losing him. And that's the ironic thing about Pi and Duen, they're ironically trying to preserve what they love, but because of scars, insecurities and walls, they're hurting the ones they love by just refusing to be their authentic selves. It's ironic because they think being themselves is the worst option. Yet, on the surface, they act like they're fine with who they are, they're loud about being carefree of what others think of them, they're okay if these two leave them, but in reality, their worst fears are admitting that they agree with what people see in them as flaws, that they also hate themselves for that. That's heartbreaking because they fought so hard to keep loving themselves, to keep believing in their worth, but society made them genuinely think that they're wrong. And it's painful but realistic.

Again they're all similar and mirror each other. I just want people to understand that FUTS is a deep show; I know the director doesn't do the best job with what he's been trying to show, but it is deep; there is thought at times put to it in the profound moments. In the moments where both Pi and Duen aren't being fake and are their true selves, you'll notice that the jokes and humour slowly reduce whenever they are true; the narrator also reduces for Duen because he doesn't struggle as much with his feelings for Meen like he did at the first time. All the stuff that happens in the show is on purpose, even if done messily and poorly. People love to hate on the show. It has a lot of flaws, I know, but it's not the worst thing; it has deep characters that are incredibly flawed and hurt (even Mork, who we still hope will get to understand his story) it has people that act one way on the surface but hold deep scars and pains below whilst wearing a mask. The characters are unlikable because they are realistic to how people with self-sabotaging habits and deprecation act. That's why I like this show. And I'm sad I wasn't writing out more all about the meta and moments I've enjoyed so far. Anyway, I'm grateful this show has been shown this year; it definitely made me ponder my own ideas about how I view myself and if I have walls up around the people I love. I think many people do relate to Pi or Duen somehow, and it's unfortunate that the director doesn't help us feel the same way about the narrative when it's actually a great BL story to unravel and watch.

#fish upon the sky #futs #morkpi #thai bl #bl series #bl drama #cwg #fvete

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badbookopinions · 3 years ago

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The Nobleman’s Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks - Montague Siblings #3, Mackenzi Lee

B+: a light, enjoyable read, though perhaps not as good as the first two books in the series.

It’s been more than fifteen years since the last book, and Monty and Felicity’s much younger brother, Adrian, has come of age. He’s writing liberal pamphlets with his girlfriend, dealing with a brutal anxiety disorder, and investigating the mysterious and possibly supernatural death of his mother. Which leads him to Monty, the brother his parents never told him he had. Which leads them to Felicity and another adventure around Europe,

I will say that Adrian is not nearly as charismatic a protagonist as Monty or Felicity. Most of this is due to his internal narrative being a constant stream of catastrophizing and insecurity. Lee doesn’t shy away from making his mental illness clear, but it often distracts from the readability of the story when every line of dialogue is then intercut with a full page of Adrian’s stream-of-consciousness. Sacrificing ease-of-reading for representation.

All in all, though, I’m impressed with this sequel. I especially liked that Lee doesn’t shy away from the flaws of her characters, especially the more beloved ones like Monty. The characters of her former stories are nearly 40 now, and it would have been understandable for Lee to make them into perfect people with perfect lives. But they’re messy, and there’s this beautiful balance between them not being perfect and still being the prickly assholes we know without their character development being ruined.

I think that without a cast of friends in the same age range for Adrian to have, the story suffers. In the Lady’s Guide, Felicity stands on her own and with her new friends for the vast majority of the book, with Monty only at the beginning and end. In this one, the siblings themselves are the focus, which means that in most scenes Adrian is the only person on the page under the age of 20. It makes for a very different reading experience.

Plot: fast-paced, campy, and the perfect blend of character development with action. Seriously, Lee writes character-driven adventure novels to perfection: while I think the Montague Siblings series ended in a good place, I’d love to see her work continue in the genre.

Characters: our old favourites shine. I think that having so many cameos from older cast members is the reason why the characters that are actual teens are pushed to the side. However, I loved the old characters so much I’m willing to let it go - especially Simmaa, the love of my whole life. I’ve already mentioned not liking Adrian, and I think his fiance Louisa was similarly uninteresting, but I liked seeing Georgie all grown up and I found Saad charming.

Setting: as usual, wonderful. I like that Lee never takes us to the same place twice, and that all of them feel remarkably different. I think the magical elements weren’t as good in this one as they were in the Lady’s Guide, though - although that might just be because I’m a bigger fan of dragons than I am of evil pirate ships.

Prose: while the dialogue is still witty, the narration suffers with Adrian as a protagonist. He just isn’t as funny as Monty or Felicity, meaning that we miss out on a lot of great narrative moments that we would have had with the other two.

While I was very impressed with Lee’s portrayal of Sim in the last book, I didn’t like her portrayal of another Muslim woman, Basira Khan, in this one. In the only scene where we meet her, she’s naked in the bath and rubbing herself with oil while she’s talking to Adrian. It just felt exoticized and gross and playing into evil brown seductress tropes I’m not a huge fan of.

#the nobleman's guide to scandal and shipwrecks #the montague siblings #mackenzi lee #badbookopinions #siblings #Historical Fantasy #queer characters #adventure #characters!

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cybernaght · 4 years ago

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We have dubbed it at home as “the trauma drama”

Here’s my review of sorts of To Dear Myself/亲爱的自己

This one is a 2020 contemporary slice of life series about thirty-somethings living in Shanghai: struggling with money, trying to negotiate with their families, getting betrayed by their friends, getting their hearts broken by their lovers, failing in their professional ventures, encountering day to day hardships as they try to find themselves in the big city. It’s low-key anxiety inducing and not at all escapist, and I somehow got drawn into it still. Watching it was at times was a bit like pulling teeth: there is only so much pain you can take, only so many little drawbacks and injustices, only so many long shots of people breaking apart before you need to have a breather.

The story centres around three women. The protagonist, Li Siyu (Liu Shishi) is a career woman, daily taking high risks hoping for high rewards. She is also balancing her high intensity life with a relationship with her down on his luck boyfriend, who is wonderful in many ways but fails to understand how being self-sufficient is part of her identity, taking it as a personal affront. Watching their relationship was a little bit like watching a train speeding towards a cliff in slow motion. The most beautiful thing about it was that you can see both of their perspectives: in his eyes, she is impulsive, reckless, and needs to be stopped for her own good; in her eyes, he is envying her success and wants her to be a housewife. Both of them are wrong. Both of them are right.

Li Siyu’s half-sister Gu Xiaoling (Cheng Miqi) just wants to find a wealthy Mr Right to look after her, as she is constantly hiding her mischievous, vulnerable self behind a mask of superficiality. She sees her own beauty as her only asset. She likes pretty things, but she is also incredibly lonely. Her partner on screen is a man with a massive crush on her, whom she does absolutely not want to date: partly because he is not rich; partly because his sense of entitlement to a relationship with her is grating as all hell.

Their cousin Zhang Zhizhi (Hang Qingzi) is a married woman, working, raising a daughter, desperately trying to elevate her social status in the eyes of others, all while trying to breach the gaping void stretching between herself and her terrible husband. None of the men in this show are particularly endearing, but between claiming that he is his wife’s career and blaming her for his unfaithfulness and violence, he has to do a lot of work to deserve the viewer’s grace.

It’s just like this - the story of three women, and their romantic interests, living their lives. Nothing more, but also, nothing less. The script is written by a woman as well - and it shows. Admittedly, my cdrama watching experience so far mostly consisted of BL series and loud, dumb, action-y type things, but this is the first time I have seen a text which could be said to have an explicitly feminist reading. It tells you in no uncertain terms that no, you don’t need to get married, and no, you don’t need to have another child, and yes, you can actually just settle on living your own goddamn life.

To Dear Myself is well plotted for most of its 45 episode run, with a sense of push and pull between all the various little storylines. Ups and down of every characters’ lives are woven together in a way which resembles a dance, it’s harmonious and satisfying, and the pace of the show sits between leisurely and achingly tense. Unfortunately, in the last ten episodes the rhythm of the show falters somewhat: the plotting becomes contrived, and the narrative steamrolls ungracefully to a barely satisfying conclusion. It’s truly bizarre, how something that has been so soft and so meticulous for so long gracelessly falls on its back in the last couple of episodes.

Some of it has to do with the antagonist, such as there is. She is not a villain, but she is the originator of a lot of the misfortunes for the majority of the characters. You wait, and you wait, and you wait for her crimes to come out and for her to get her just deserts, but her last actual scene is the one of comfort. We are told in the narration that something bad happens to this person, we are neither witnessing it, nor the aftermath of it.

On one hand this tracks with the fact that this is a feminist text: said antagonist is just a woman whose agenda clashes with the characters we care about. On the other hand, she has been set-up to be a manipulative, cunning person for the entirety of this show. The audience has been told not to trust her in the way she is framed; the audience has been told that she is trouble in no uncertain terms. I don’t quite understand why the show would frame someone as a villain and then refuse to give them a resolution the villain would get. That’s just not satisfying.

As for Zhu Yilong - this is probably my favourite role of his so far.

After a pretty terrible year I have found myself connecting with his character, who spent the first half of the show show unemployed, lonely, and scraping to find some kind of dignity as he suffocates in the city which is sucking him dry. Watching his journey was a little bit frustrating - especially in the second half - because apparently one dysfunctional relationship was not enough for this man, but it was still exhilarating. Besides, after seeing this actor in a whole bunch of roles where his characters would do their absolute best to hide their hearts and use a selection of masks to keep people at arms length, it’s delightful to see his Chen Yiming wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s wonderful to witness him insecure, scared, giddy with joy, butterflies-in-the-stomach in love, achingly tender, utterly devastated. He is still a brilliant actor, and, once again, the camera does love him quite a lot.

The visual aspect of the show is great: it’s high budget and incredibly pretty. The costuming and makeup are wonderful. I have never been to Shanghai, but it’s framed so lovingly I want to go now.

So, is this one worth watching? I… honestly can’t tell. It is for the cast - and I’m not just talking about Zhu Yilong, all of the cast have done a tremendous job here, very impressive acting all around. It’s worth for genuinely well written story of self-discovery as a thirty-something struggling with a mass of pressures. But, not going to lie, it’s not an easy watch, and the final couple of episodes left me kind of feeling dead inside.

P.S. The narratively significant product placements were cracking me up lots. There were.. a lot of important thermoses is what I’m saying. Also, the amount of alcohol the cast consumed on set was quite alarming.

#to dear myself #亲爱的自己 #Zhu Yilong #review of sorts

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raptured-night · 5 years ago

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Alright here are other ones that I had asked for to deathdaydungeon but they seem to be occupied for a while... There is a theory saying that Neville had a Snape Boggart because Snape had threatened Trevor, which represented Neville’s “proof” that he wasn’t a Squib, as he feared so. In this case, why didn’t he have a dead Trevor as a Boggart instead? Do you think that Snape expressing his worry over how James fancies Lily could be consistent evidence he wanted to date her or not?

I do believe that @deathdaydungeon has shared a few of their thoughts on Neville’s Boggart before that you may find of interest since they’ve not yet been able to respond to your ask. Indeed, the entire discussion following their own thoughts is well worth a read, and here’s another version where I share just a few of my own thoughts.

That being said, I’m going to cite from a much older and very lengthy discussion post I once wrote regarding Snape as I went into a great length and detail exploring the potential symbolism of Neville’s Boggart to Neville and some of the psychological implications. Because that particular meta covered such a broad range of topics concerning Snape and that particular bit came at the very end of what proved to be a 20k word essay simply linking you to it and expecting you to search through it all to find the sections that pertain to your ask seems less reasonable than simply quoting from that portion of the meta here (although if you find yourself with a bit of time and the interest for it, here is the link to that monster of a meta all the same). So, with that said, here are my thoughts on Neville’s Boggart, Trevor, Boggart!Snape, and Boggarts overall.

I have often challenged Harry’s narrator as one that is intentionally designed to be biased or unreliable (notably it is a limited-omniscient perspective) in order to demonstrate how it can influence reader perception of characters and even the world the characters occupy. However, the discrepancy between Harry’s perspective of how he is treated by the Dursleys and Neville’s perspective of his own family and how he is treated is revealing exactly because it is made more apparent for being presented through Harry’s narrative. From the start of HP: PS, Harry’s narrative wastes little time in painting for the reader a picture of abuse and unhappiness where Harry’s life with the Dursleys is concerned. With Dudley serving as our counterpoint to emphasize the extreme neglect, abuse and more general mistreatment that Harry suffers while under their roof (e.g. being forced to sleep in a cupboard with spiders while Dudley has a second room, being bullied and beaten while Dudley’s is doted on, even having his hair cut in a humiliating fashion while Dudley receives a new school uniform, etc.), Rowling’s narrative also expresses to the reader Harry’s awareness of the injustice of his situation and his feelings of resentment, discontent, and helplessness. When it comes to the Dursleys and their cruel treatment of Harry the narrative does function as a mostly reliable gauge for the reader to go by. Thus, when the reader is confronted with Neville’s account of his own family experiences in HP: PS I would argue that what makes it the most jarring is the fact that it goes against the precedent set by Harry and his narrative, in that Neville does not appear to recognize anything out of the ordinary in how he has been treated:

"Well, my gran brought me up and she's a witch," said Neville, "but the family thought I was all- Muggle for ages. My Great Uncle Algie kept trying to catch me off my guard and force some magic out of me -- he pushed me off the end of Blackpool pier once, I nearly drowned -- but nothing happened until I was eight. Great Uncle Algie came round for dinner, and he was hanging me out of an upstairs window by the ankles when my Great Auntie Enid offered him a meringue and he accidentally let go. But I bounced -- all the way down the garden and into the road. They were all really pleased, Gran was crying, she was so happy. And you should have seen their faces when I got in here -- they thought I might not be magic enough to come, you see. Great Uncle Algie was so pleased he bought me my toad."

Notably, Neville joins the other first-years like Seamus Finnegan in very casually relating details about his home life to his new peers and the reader learns that he would appear to come from a family that would risk potentially killing him over the possibility that he might have been born a Squib (the way that Squibs might function as an allegory for neurodivergence and disability is, in itself, an interesting subject to explore; especially given the attitudes of Neville’s grandmother and uncle, whose behaviors might be compared to those of modern anti-vaccers, so-called “autism awareness” groups like Autism Speaks that promote an idea of autism as a disease to be cured, and those parents who treat their disabled children in abliest ways). Indeed, it would appear that Trevor was a gift from the same uncle who had constantly tried to catch him off guard (in the same way Dudley and his friends always forced Harry to be on the defensive) and held him out of a window before thoughtlessly dropping him, which does add a new dimension to his emotional attachment to his toad (a reward from an abusive uncle just for not being so inadequate that he failed to get into Hogwarts). The stark difference between Neville and Harry’s perceptions of their families and their unique responses to how they are treated does give us some potential insight into their insecurities and measurements of self-worth.

Additionally, it gives us some potential insight into the possible sociocultural attitudes of wizarding society and might suggest that behaviors like those from Neville’s family are normalized and not regarded as abusive so much as they are accepted as just another extension of the “eccentricity” of their world. It is of interest that when Harry receives his first acceptance letter to Hogwarts addressed to “The Cupboard under the Stairs” the Dursley’s appear concerned at being caught out and move Harry to Dudley’s second room. They are also temporarily said to have tried to seem “nicer” to him, likely for fear of being watched. Moreover, the Dursley’s do show some indication that they may be aware that their treatment of Harry is abusive and would be viewed negatively by most of their Muggle society when Harry joins them at the zoo and Vernon Dursley reluctantly buys him a lemon-flavored ice cream to save face when the vendor draws attention to Harry being excluded. Overall, the very fact that Neville did feel so comfortable openly discussing his Uncle Algie’s treatment of him and the low opinion his family all appear to share about his magical capability does seem to support a point of contrast between Muggle and wizard societies and their views on abuse and child endangerment.

Furthermore, the different ways that Harry and Neville react to Severus is also revealing. Especially as there have been numerous discussions about the psychological factors that may have contributed to Severus’s seeming disdain for Harry and Neville but fewer discussions seem to be devoted to exploring Harry’s own strong animosity for Severus or the source of Neville’s potential fear of him. Significantly, we can observe that for Harry the protection afforded by Lily’s sacrifice does create a scenario where he must return to the Dursley’s at the end of each school year (in some ways, one could observe that the consequences of Lily’s death bind both Harry and Severus to an environment where they sustained most of their trauma). Thus, we see where any outward defiance within the household of the Dursleys is complicated by the requirement that Harry must remain with the Dursleys even after he learns he has magic. Instead, Harry has to mostly resort to cunning acts of self-defense (e.g. taking advantage of the Dursley’s ignorance of the Underage Secrecy Laws to lead them to believe he can use magic against them) or we see that his resistance assumes a more passive-aggressive tone (understandable given the retaliation he can expect from direct confrontation) with the exception of HP: PoA, when Aunt Marge’s sustained verbal abuse and threats over the course of two weeks manages to trigger an explosion of magic in Harry.

Whereas, at Hogwarts, we see Harry buck against authority more and more each year and Severus remains the focal point of his more active resistance. His refusal to address Severus using his title or forms of respect, even in the face of correction by multiple sources, culminates in Harry openly sassing Severus in his sixth year (”You don’t have to call me sir, Professor.”). He becomes more openly brazen in working around Severus, confronting him, and defying him when challenged. As the series progresses, Harry’s enmity toward Severus grows until we see a rancor of mutual proportions between them that culminates in Harry chasing Severus out of Hogwarts throwing curses in HP: HBP. Thus, where Harry cannot so openly defy the Dursleys, in many ways, Severus becomes a figure of authority (one who seems to unfairly hate him and who is biased against him and his house) that he can more safely (i.e. where resistance with the Dursleys might result in real harm or consequences defying Severus results in detention at worst and lost house points at best) resist in their place. Therefore, where Harry may function as a less threatening proxy of James for Severus to project onto, so too does Severus potentially function as a more secure stand-in for the Dursleys that Harry can lash out against and rebel from.

In the case of Neville, I would posit that Severus may also function as a representation of sorts. Specifically, he may serve as a symbol of the deeper anxieties and insecurities that Neville formed as a result of the pressure that his family placed on his magical capability. A pressure that the Hogwarts environment and its preferencing of a culture that fosters competition between houses and depends upon a performance-based reward system may only have exacerbated. As Harry observes in HP: GoF, McGonagall wasn’t the only professor while at Hogwarts to seldom compliment Neville, rather it would seem that “...Neville very rarely heard that he was good at anything.” His first-year alone began in an inauspicious manner, as we see Neville struggle in almost all of his classes from Charms to Potions to Flying (which lands him a broken wrist and Harry a spot on the Quidditch team). While we can debate the extent to which Neville’s magical struggles are the result of him being on a different level of skill and/or learning curve to some of the other children, we can at least acknowledge that his anxiety may have contributed significantly to many of his mistakes (”But Neville, nervous and jumpy and frightened of being left on the ground, pushed off hard before the whistle had touched Madam Hooch's lips.”), just as Merope Gaunt’s magical ability was considerably hampered by the constant criticism and abuse she sustained from both Gaunt men in her household (notably, just as Neville’s grandmother implies that he was nearly a Squib, so too does Merope’s father criticize her magical abilities by calling her a Squib).

Which brings me back to the subject of Severus and the finer points of why he may have become Neville’s Boggart, specifically. Undoubtedly, for a self-conscious and anxious student, having Severus for a teacher would be a harrowing experience and I do not deny that Neville wouldn’t have found it difficult. However, as I’ve also established previously, Severus was not entirely unique in how he approached teaching nor even the only teacher at Hogwarts to criticize, be harsh, or single-out Neville. As such, one must ask themselves why it is Neville that perceives Severus as more uniquely terrible or to be feared. For starters, we could once again point to the unreliable narrative of Harry Potter and what it tells us about the public opinion of Severus, even before Harry had his first class with him, and how that may have also influenced Neville’s preconceived notions of him as well. Notably, when Harry asks Percy (a school prefect) about Severus he’s told this, "Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Professor Snape. He teaches Potions, but he doesn't want to -- everyone knows he's after Quirrell's job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape." Thus, anxious already, it’s feasible to argue that Neville may have entered Severus’s first potions class with an idea of Severus’s “infamy” as well.

More critically, however, one might speculate as to whether Neville even consciously connects his performance anxiety and fear of being perceived as a failure with the treatment he received as a child by members of his own family. Indeed, I would submit that the true source of Neville’s fears does stem from the traumatic experiences of his childhood and what they would have reinforced for him; that is, the idea that he would be better off dead than a Squib, a magical failure who can only become a burden to his family, and the conditioned expectation that any failure his part will always be connected to harsh corrections and/or punishments (such as having your uncle constantly torment you by trying to constantly catch you off guard or even threaten to drop you out of a window). Indeed, within a society where Squibs are treated as sources of shame and second-class citizens, and where you never speak of that “second cousin who became an accountant,” (HP: PS) Neville’s fears are legitimately validated and he would be more out to view other authority figures as capable of doing serious harm to him (if only by rejecting him from Hogwarts, declaring him a near-Squib, and sending him out into the world without a magical education). Thus, he might take them at face value as a genuine threat to his long-term acceptance in the wizarding world and regard his teachers (particularly the overly critical, stern, or harsh ones) with a deeper source of anxiety rather than test their boundaries, as we see with Harry vs. Snape. As such, the boy whose family hadn’t even entirely expected him to get into Hogwarts finds himself faced with the constant pressure of not disappointing them or proving himself undeserving of his place there among the other students. Returning back to Severus, we can find evidence of an interesting symbolism in him being Neville’s Boggart and how that might lend insight into these deeper fears Neville carries.

I do not believe it was a coincidence that Rowling placed the scene where Severus had Neville demonstrate the efficacy of his Shrinking Solution on Trevor before the Boggart lesson with Lupin as the reader is shown (i.e. between HP: PS and HP: CoS Neville is only shown making mistakes in Severus’s classes that would prompt him snapping at him or we are just told Severus was horrible) in more certain terms why Neville might fear Severus enough for him to credibly be his personal Boggart. As we know, Trevor was the gift that Neville received from his Uncle Algie for “surprising everyone” in his family with his acceptance to Hogwarts, which we could argue makes Trevor a symbol of approval from a family who formerly saw him as a disappointment. Moreover, Severus also functions as a symbol in that Neville may have come to associate him specifically with his anxieties over being singled out as inadequate. Quite fitting, as Severus Snape the biased teacher and Head of Slytherin House who hates Gryffindors, fancies the Dark Arts, covets the DADA position, has exacting standards and does not suffer fools lightly is both the safe (in that it’s likely easier for Neville to fear him than it would be for him to unpack all the psychological realities of the trauma his family inflicted on him) and the most obvious candidate for Neville to focus all of the anxieties and fears he may have formed as a result of his family’s treatment of him. Treatment that his world would appear to have normalized in such a way that, unlike Harry, he may not have consciously recognized --or even want to recognize-- it to be cruel, unfair, and even abusive. Ergo, when Severus uses Trevor as his “teaching moment” the symbol of Neville’s fears (i.e Severus) is seemingly threatening the symbol of Neville’s validation (i.e. Trevor) that he is not a complete failure and a total disappointment to everyone in his family.

Ultimately, Rowling does reinforce this psychological symbolism when she has Neville’s Boggart of Severus connected to an association with his grandmother. Also of interest is the fact that prior to Lupin introducing his class to the Boggart, Severus also makes an unexpected appearance in the staff room where he seems to caution Lupin in the form of mocking Neville (something I’ve theorized before may have doubled as a veiled warning about the wisdom of exposing children, especially those like Harry and Neville, to a creature that assumes the form of your fears). So that, once again, the connection between Severus as a source of fear and Neville’s insecurities are emphasized to the reader in such a way that by that point they are very present at the forefront of the reader’s mind and it makes it very easy to accept that Severus would be Neville’s Boggart at face value and leave it there. However, upon closer examination, the symbolic connection between Neville’s fear of Severus and his fears associated with his family is also very present. Notably, when Lupin singles Neville out to lead the class in demonstrating how to handle a Boggart, Rowling makes a point to have Lupin establish the correlation between Severus and Neville’s grandmother:

"Professor Snape... hmmm... Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"

"Er -- yes," said Neville nervously. "But -- I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."

Significantly, Neville first admits to Severus being his Boggart and when Lupin brings up his grandmother he acknowledges that he does not want his Boggart to turn into his grandmother, which might support my theory that Severus is a safer focus for Neville’s anxieties and fears than acknowledging any connection between them and his family would be. Nevertheless, his Boggart does become an amalgamation of Severus and his grandmother and it is only by confronting them together that he is able to overcome his Boggart. Interestingly, one can also observe that the majority of the forms the Boggart assumed in Lupin’s class were primarily surface-level fears that some might associate with childhood or more general phobias, such as clowns or spiders. Even Harry, who Lupin expected would see Voldemort, found himself confronted with a Dementor instead, largely because his most recent experience with a Dementor unearthed the traumatic memories of the night his parents died. As such, one can argue that Harry did not fear the Dementor so much as he feared what the Dementor had come to represent to him, which, while connected to Voldemort in a more intangible sense, had more to do with the trauma of the night when he lost his parents and was a more immediate threat for Harry to process and to fear (rather than the more distant and abstract awareness he would have had of Voldemort existing somewhere in the world, the uncertainty of when he would even return, and what that, i.e. actual war, might even be like for him to experience).

In fact, Rowling presents us with another example of the Boggart functioning as a representation of deeper fears and anxieties much later in HP: PoA, which further supports the argument that Snape was not Neville’s Boggart just because he had managed to become the sole source of trauma in Neville’s life but rather because he had come to represent the more complex fears that Neville was not prepared --or potentially of an age of maturity yet-- to be able to consciously process or really confront head-on. It is noteworthy that Rowling makes a point to draw the reader’s attention to the fact that Hermione had not had an opportunity to face the Boggart by the end of Lupin’s lesson (He seems like a very good teacher", said Hermione approvingly. "But I wish I could have a turn with the boggart --") and I would posit that it was an intentional build-up to the reveal at a later part of her book where we discover that Hermione and Neville would seem to share very similar fears:

Hermione did everything perfectly until she reached the trunk with the Boggart in it. After about a minute inside it, she burst out again, screaming. ‘Hermione!’ said Lupin, startled. ‘What’s the matter?’ ‘P-P-Professor McGonagall!’ Hermione gasped, pointing into the trunk. ‘Sh-she said I’d failed everything!’ It took a little while to calm Hermione down.

Ultimately, we might question whether it was wise on McGonagall’s part to encourage Hermione to attempt such a rigorous schedule as she did third-year. Particularly as we see the evidence of the pressure (psychological, emotional, etc.) that Hermione has placed on herself knowing that McGonagall received special permission for her to use a Time-Turner as the third-book progresses and Hermione becomes more and more frazzled and anxious. Nevertheless, one is justified in applying some scrutiny to any assertions that McGonagall was Hermione's Boggart because she was a more literal source of fear or trauma for her, so much as one might argue that she had also become a symbolic focal point for the anxieties of a student and that the Boggart merely provided a representation of those deeper, more complex fears. As a Muggle-born, one might argue that Hermione does have certain fears about being found inadequate or unworthy of belonging to the magical world and that she compensates for those fears by placing a great amount of significance on her grades and the approval of her teachers. Therefore, where Trevor may serve as a symbol of validation for Neville, for Hermione it is her grades and the approval of her teachers that similarly assume a symbolic function and help her feel she has validated her right to be at Hogwarts. Thus, just as Severus served as a representation of Neville’s fears of inadequacy when he threatened Trevor or assumed the form of a Boggart in his grandmother’s clothing, likewise, could we argue that McGonagall functioned as a representation of Hermione’s anxieties about disappointing her teachers and failing to demonstrate she belonged at Hogwarts and, more subsequently, the wizarding world.

Both Neville and Hermione might be said to be very keenly aware of their privilege in being accepted into Hogwarts and, perhaps, the most self-conscious of their right to be there as a result. As a Muggle-born, Hermione was able to discover a world of magic despite not being born into it, and we see where the impact of that does seem to instill in her a conscious desire to prove herself and demonstrate that she has a place in that world and at Hogwarts. In contrast, Neville may have been born into the magical world but the pressures and expectations placed on him by his family would appear to have made his own acceptance to Hogwarts feel less secure; as if he were on shaky ground and the privilege could be revoked from him at any moment. It’s no coincidence that in HP: PS Hermione seems to regard being expelled from Hogwarts as worse than death (even if we do allow for hyperbole) or that Neville most demonstrates his courage when standing up for Gryffindor house to preserve the points they have. Rowling could be said to have drawn some intentional parallels between these two characters as early as the first book, and the similarity of their Boggarts and the anxieties that it reveals only further validate this connection.

Moreover, it also showcases for the reader the key difference between him and Harry as two characters who came from abusive family environments. Where Harry is able to acknowledge the wrongness of the way the Dursleys treat him, Neville exists in a world where such behaviors seem to be more normalized and, as a result, he could be said to project his fears onto Severus in lieu of being equipped with the recognition that he would need to acknowledge the more complex source of his fears. In conclusion, Neville may have been socialized to accept the treatment of his family largely because he does love them and he places greater importance on their acceptance of him. Whereas, Severus is a more safe option for him to channel his fears through given he is someone who already has a reputation of “infamy” --unless you’re a Slytherin-- and could be expected to do exactly what Neville most fears; reject him and belittle his competence as a wizard (a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts). Likewise, Harry can more safely push back against Severus than he can the Dursleys, so Severus does become a more convenient outlet for his feelings of powerlessness and anger and one who can be expected to play the role of antagonist that Harry counts on (until HP: DH when he suddenly doesn’t). This is why any contemporary psychological analysis does fall short unless one is prepared to go beyond the issue of Severus being Neville’s Boggart and fairly examine the matter of McGonagall being Hermione’s Boggart and the psychological underpinnings of Boggarts as a concept overall.

In regards to Severus’s reaction towards Lily, I would argue that it could be interpreted a few ways. One could choose to read it as evidence of Severus’s romantic attraction to Lily and his anxiety that Lily might prefer James as a romantic partner over him. Canon could certainly support such an interpretation and it would be more than valid. However, given the full context of the conversation that came before Severus displayed any anxiety, one could also interpret Severus’s response more platonically. Notably, prior to Severus becoming concerned by the idea that James fancies Lily and that Lily might not mind being fancied by him so much (because she fancies him back) they had been arguing over the behaviors of people from their houses and how objectionable they might be. Lily insisted that Mulciber had used “dark magic” on a classmate (which might be hyperbole given there is never any mention to teachers responding to a student using dark magic openly enough for other students to have a conversation about it later) and that Severus shouldn’t associate with him. In turn, Severus alluded to the very real dangers that the Marauders were capable of based off his own first-hand experience.

Importantly, although he is forbidden to discuss the incident with Remus, he does noticeably try very hard to make Lily aware of the danger but she is not convinced. Interestingly, Lily also makes a point to single-out James and defend him specifically while Severus is criticizing all four Marauders. It is ultimately this that leads Severus to the issue of James and provokes his flustered observation about James’s infatuation with Lily. Thus Severus’s anxiety and his relief when Lily denies having any interest in James could also be interpreted through the lens of Severus’s experiences with the Marauders as bullies who only recently escalated the situation between them with Sirius’s prank to new and much darker levels of malice (and that they were able to do so and received no apparent consequences from any of the authority figures at Hogwarts; in fact, one could argue that from Severus’s perspective it would have seemed Sirius nearly killed him and Dumbledore responded by protecting the Marauders by enforcing his silence). Ultimately, the anxiety might also be read as Severus’s fear for a friend who has ignored his warnings about people he has a legitimate reason to believe can be dangerous and he does not want Lily to get involved with James for that reason. So, there you have it, two different ways of interpreting that scene from the book.

Once again, thank you for your ask!

Regards,

Raptured Night

#severus snape #snape meta #pro snape #snapedom #snape community

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brightershadows · 4 years ago

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Euphorically Honest-- Euphoria, Teenagers, and the Realities in Hardship

OVERVIEW

Euphoria is brutally honest about the hardships of life. Focusing on the stories of a group of teenagers in modern-day California, it navigates through issues of drug addiction, sexuality, masculinity and femininity, violence, and depression. It can be tragic and liberating. But it is honest. Created by Sam Levinson, a screenwriter for Assassination Nation and The Wizard of Lies, the story reflects on his own experience with drug addiction as a teenager, as well as having a loose basis in an Israeli show of the same name (Stack, 2019). The story follows a group of young people of varying genders, ethnicities, classes, and sexualities, including the drug-addicted narrator Rue, new-to-the-suburbs Jules, Cassie, beautiful but easily manipulated, her kind and easy-going sister Lexi, Kat, who embraces her body type as she gains confidence through sex, Nate, a manipulative and dominating male with control issues, and his girlfriend, Maddy, who battles her self-identity and her reliance on Nate (Levinson, 2019). Euphoria can be seen as overly graphic, or critiqued as too sexual, but its mature nature allows it to unearth the ugly truths about life, living, and loving, and the beauty behind the hardships too.

EPISODE TWO REVIEW

In “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” Nate discovers his father’s sex tape collection at a very young age, videos of his father having sex with several people. This is where Nate’s disdain male sexual anatomy stems from. Nate quickly becomes infatuated with Maddy. Whether disturbing or romantic, he fantasizes about hurting or killing the person who dares harms her. A series of flashbacks from Rue’s summer shows her consuming various drugs and getting high, fighting with her mom, waking up in the hospital, and singing in the car with her mom and sister, highlighting what she has gone through as well as her relationship with her family. On several occasions, Rue relapses. Reluctantly and unable to say no, she takes a dose of fentanyl. Unaware of the consequences, Jules is called to take care of Rue. Their friendship further develops. Kat learns that an explicit video of her has been posted to a porn website. When the video’s view count continues to grow, Kat is intrigued and signs for a web cam streaming account. Obsessed with Maddy, Nate begins stalking Tyler, Maddy’s most recent hookup. Maddy, still wanting to get back together with Nate, tells him that she was blacked out and did not mean to do what she did. This causes Nate to believe that Tyler had raped Maddy. Furious, Nate breaks into Tyler’s apartment and beats him half to death. At the end of the episode, we learn that the guy Jules has been texting is named Tyler but it actually turns out to be Nate.

Nate Jacobs is the typical football jock, yet he exhibits anger, aggression, and sociopathic behavior. Rue Bennett struggles with her own psyche as she suffers from ADHD, bipolar, general anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder), and drug addiction. Jules Vaughan is unapologetically herself, although she seems to seek attention, approval, and sexual relationships from men who are undeserving of her. Maddy Perez is the popular cheerleader who knows she is attractive and she goes after what she wants. She stands up to everybody else except Nate. Kat Hernandez may seem like a side character, the fat best friend, at first, but she finds her confidence grows as an individual. Fez/Fezco is Rue’s main drug dealer. Although he supplies her, he also cares for Rue and does want her to get mixed up with a worst crowd.

Although there are people of color in the show, there could always be more representation of race. Rue and her sister, Gia, are mixed, with a Black mom and a white dad. Maddy is Latina as both of her parents are Latino. Kat Hernandez is also of Latin descent but we do not see much of her parents or family. Every other (main) character in this episode is white, this includes Nate, Jules, and Tyler. This show, and episode, is not particularly making any waves or strides with their representation of race. And with the representation of race that they do have, there is no portrayal of racial identity, culture, or heritage. Jules definitely stands out as she is a transgender woman. She is currently taking hormones and her father and closest friends accept her for who she is. Jules goes on to have sexual encounters with older men as well budding romances with boys her age. Nate is a stark contrast to Jules, with him being set in his heteronormative, gender binary ways. Most, if not all of the characters identify with the gender that they present. The males, Nate and Fez identity as male. The females, Rue, Kat, Jules, and Maddy identify as female. The main characters mainly fall into one of the two binary genders. All of the romantic or sexual relationship aspects in episode 2 revolve around a male and a female, such as Nate and Maddy, or Maddy and Tyler, or even Jules and her mysterious texter (a man). To my knowledge, there is no presence of a non-binary or agender character. Jules, a transgender woman, challenges Nate’s notion of the strict gender binary system.

Euphoria definitely relies on stereotypes because the writers of this show intend on having the characters break said stereotypes. Kat is initially insecure and self-conscious. After she has sex for the first time and the video of the act gets leaked, she redefines herself. Her sexuality blossoms throughout this show as she also begins to have casual sex which normalizing women having and enjoying sex. Kat becomes comfortable with herself by wearing clothes that are considered more edgy, outfits that she would have never worn before. Kat’s character breaks the sexuality stereotype because the media hardly ever sees a plus-sized woman be expressed in a sexually positive light, even though it may not have started out that way. Nate’s character is embodiment of the toxic, cis-gendered white masculinity. He describes the perfect girl as dressing more feminine, acting like a “proper lady,” and overall more “girly” as opposed to “tomboy.” Because he is so uncomfortable with the male sexual anatomy, and even disturbed by how comfortable others are, he may have some issues regarding internal homophobia. Nate does not really defy this stereotype, his character is the epitome of this stereotype. Maddy, a cisgender, heterosexual female, understands the delicate nature of the gender constructed society. She has prioritized Nate and his needs sexually by watching porn in order to mimic what the porn actress does so that she can please Nate. Her sexuality is rarely mentioned, it only rises in conjunction with other boys. Jules’ character as a transgender person challenges the conventional gender roles and constructs. Jules is very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and is proud of who she is.The concept of a non-binary gender system perplexes many people. With the current administration, transgender rights are not protected. In fact, transgender people are continued to be discriminated against. The Trump administration has played a major role in “withdrawing regulatory protections for transgender children in schools, fought recognition of transgender people under federal employment laws, banned transgender people from serving in the military, rolled back protections for transgender people in prisons, and threatened to cut off funding to schools that let transgender girls participate in sports” (Thoreson). Although Jules is able to be who she want to be and live the life that she wants, this may not be the case for many transgender people in the real world outside of the show.

Today people are often quick to criminalize or shun drug users and addicts. They are quick to judge and want the most severe punishment to be given. But medical professionals know that addiction is a very serious disease, one that requires “treatment, compassion, and support” (Siegel). Euphoria attempts to destigmatize and humanize addiction. The legal system should not be punishing people who have abused drugs by putting them into a jail cell where they are isolated from society, instead these people need real help through rehab and various treatments. Due to the fact that Rue had several relapses once she completed her rehab program, one may say that these programs do not work; however there is no singular timeline to get better. It may take weeks, months, or years, and the journey is difficult. But society cannot give up. Social and political reforms concerning drug use/abuse and addiction is very much needed.

EPISODE THREE REVIEW

In ' Made You Look,' Nate meets Jules on a gay dating app disguised as Shyguy118. Although Nate doesn't identify as gay, Jules reveals being transexual and quickly falls in love with Shyguy118, oblivious to his true identity as a classmate at the same school. Maddy becomes skeptical of Nate and searches through his phone and, in shock, learns of Nate's involvement with a gay dating app and nude sending with Jules. Jules's heightened obsession over the mysterious Shyguy118 leads Jules to agree to meet Nate for the first time in person near a lake at night. While all of this unfolds, Rue, who is Jules's supportive best friend, at first, entertains Jules's fantasies by helping Jules send pornographic images to Nate. However, tension arises when Rue exposes her worries for her best friend and undeniable attraction for her as more than just friends. Unfortunately, Jules did not reciprocate the kiss they shared. This sent Rue spiraling into a frenzy and falling back into the addictive habit of taking pills and getting high, undoing Rue's 60-day clean streak. Embarrassed, Rue runs straight back to Fezco, her drug dealer, in hopes to illegally obtain more drugs to numb the humiliation she felt. Fortunately, Fezco doesn't give in to Rue and shuts the door on her, leaving Rue to look toward Ali, an omniscient man she met at a therapy gathering for drug users to seek guidance.

Kat, a Tumblr fanfiction queen, masks herself while exploring her curiosity for explicit content and webcam streaming. She exposes herself to lingerie and twerking on her account; she agrees to perform a private camera meet with a man who falls in love with Kat's powerful and sexual dominatrix persona. Originally insecure with her weight, Kat eventually learns to embrace her curves and dives into a new and unusual world of femdom. This episode also introduces Cassie. She displays as a bold, open-minded party girl that isn't phased by frat party endeavors. McKay, Cassie's crush, invites her to his frat-hazing event, and they both fall deeply in love with each other, foreshadowing potential problems to come from concupiscence for one another.

This episode involves various races but is primarily white-dominant. Cassie is blonde and white, represented as audacious and open-minded. Maddy is a cis-gender Latina and, in this episode, victimized by Nate, a white playboy who cheats on Maddy. Rue and her sister are a mix from a black mom and a white dad. Despite various races represented, this episode minimally illustrates heritage background and racial and cultural distinctiveness. There are very minimal cultural representations and race diversity besides the racially represented individuals such as Rue, Maddy, Kat, Ali, and Fezco. Although the film is predominantly white race influenced, there is still a general race narration awareness displayed in the show.

Sexuality representation is a flourishing topic within each episode in Euphoria. Arguably one of the most influential characters in this episode, Rue, a lesbian half black teenager, finds herself falling in love with her openly transgender best friend. This tricky love triangle is demonstrated between Rue caring for Jules while she cares for Nate. Jules is head over heels for her classmate, Nate, who hasn't announced is gay but is chatting with Jules on a gay dating site. Moreover, Nate's girlfriend in this episode, Maddy, is only now beginning to question if Nate is straight like he demands he is.This episode centers around redirecting the audience's view of how a character's sexuality is initially perceived to how each character's sexuality is either nonchanging or questioned and altered due to more self-awareness. For example, Jules, from the beginning, identified as transgender and unchanging while Rue begins to question her sexuality and feelings for her friend after kissing her. Male, female, and non-binary characters speak and act quite differently in Euphoria. Male actors such as Nate, Ali, and Fezco are very much dominant and slightly manipulative in this episode. Nate is a controlling and manipulative character fueled by curiosity and confusion. Ali is a mysterious, omniscient figure who sees past Rue's addiction. Lastly, Fezco shuts Rue out when she almost dies from the drugs he gave her. The females include Maddy, Rue, Jules, Kat, and Cassie. Non-binary characters were not present in this episode; however, Nate being on a gay dating site and taking an interest in Jules knowing her being transgender urges the question of what Nate's sexuality may be.

Cassie, in this episode, played an essential role in breaking gender profiling stereotypes. When Cassie was at the weekend frat-hazing party with McKay, she stood up to the guys at the party and took a shot of water with a live goldfish in it without hesitation, while McKay was hesitant and wanted to reject the challenge. Cassie taking that shot was significant because she didn't abide by her gender role limitations. Instead, she proved that she could equally compete alongside the frat boys at the party.

Illegal drug use for underage teenagers is very much a political issue. The creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, opens up about his struggles with addiction growing up. He talks about how his personal history of drug use as a teenager animated Rue's similar struggles in Euphoria. It's essential to recognize that Rue was not using drugs because of peer pressure but because she was struggling with "obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit disorder (ADD), general anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder" (Health, 2020). Many teens go undiagnosed with disorders like these and spend their teenage years fighting addiction and going to rehab centers, sometimes more than once in hopes of ending the addiction. There are other situations where undiagnosed individuals who don't fall victim to drug addiction still live a life of struggle with their mental illness. Euphoria sheds light on addiction and mental health and de-stigmatizes mental illness, a topic that should be further normalized and empathized with.

EPISODE SEVEN REVIEW

“The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed” tackles a lot of issues. In many ways, this episode is openly candid about the hardships of life and the modern influences of distraction and avoidance. The candor of this episode is heartbreaking, revelating, and so, so real. The episode before the season finale follows multiple characters, including Jules, a trans woman battling confusion about her relationship with her best friend and her changing life; Cassie, a beautiful blonde teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy; and Rue, a drug addicted teenager battling a major low in her depression (Levinson 2019). This episode follows many differing plots that do not intersect in its time; however, at the root of the 59 minutes is the juxtaposition of two teenagers, the structures of family, and the deconstruction of femininity.

As a whole, this show is unapologetically divergent from the stereotypes of society. It does not hesitate to tackle hard issues, easily addresses controversial issues regarding race, sexuality, and gender, without negating their seriousness. It makes normal the darkness we all battle in our private lives, especially in this episode. In it, characters from all walks of life get a say in the plot. Not only is the narrator and main character a gay Black women in love with her best friend, we also follow the story of Jules, a trans women, and hear from Cassie, a straight cisgender blonde girl who falls victim to the confines of the patriarchy, allowing herself to be sexualized and invalidated as a possession by the men in her life (Johnson, 2014). My only criticisms regarding this episode’s diversity is that there is little male influence or perspective on the storyline, and further, that there is little diversity outside of “black and white.” That is to say, while there are many Black characters given voice to this episode (and, by default many white characters as well), there is little representation of other ethnicities. We do not hear, for example, from the perspective of an Asian-American. That, to some extent, is an area that can be improved as the show continues.

Earlier I mentioned the juxtaposition at the core of this episode, and I want to dive a little deeper into that. Cassie and Rue are, in many regards, polar opposites. Rue is Black, gay, struggles with drug addiction and is a social outcast. Cassie, in comparison, is blonde and blue eyed, gorgeous, and popular. Rue is an older sister; Cassie is the younger in her family. But this juxtaposition highlights the conditions of the patriarchy that define familial dynamics, such as sisterhood and motherhood, both amplifying and deconstructing those norms. For example, at the end of the episode, Rue and Cassie both go to their moms, the caretakers, for help when they reach rock bottom. Those mothers show up, and they do their job: care. However, at the same time, these mothers have taken up the role of being the breadwinner for the family as well, defying the stereotype of reliance on the male for prosperity and survival. Rue’s mom, however, is portrayed as more successful and put-together than Cassie’s mother, whom we see to be an alcoholic and basically a hot mess. This is contrary to racial stereotypes that typically portray the black community as one falling apart and the white suburban mom as picture-perfect. The gender and racial norms that society and time have produced throughout our history in America are blurred as these two realities are expressed in this show (Scott, 1986).

This episode also attacks femininity. Speaking with her friends from the city, Jules, says, “In my head, it’s like if I can conquer men, I can conquer femininity” (Levinson, 2019). This conquering, or, as Jules later says, obliteration of femininity is addressed throughout the episode. Cassie, conforming to societal expectations, allows herself to be objectified and sexualized by all the men in her life, using that perception of beauty to define her over the course of her life. Rue, on the other hand, does not conform to femininity at all, as we see in the way she dresses, and even the persona of the masculine “detective” she took on in a manic state. These three approaches to femininity contrast each other, as each one represents a different sector of diversity: race, sexuality, and gender identity.

Euphoria is inherently political. It brings to light the reasons why the personal is political, especially in the midst of an election cycle where the rights of those who don’t conform to societal norms are under threat. This show creates an avenue for those rights and the real people behind those laws to speak and tell their own stories. Not only that, it represents mental illness and drug abuse, revealing the realities of living with these issues and bringing to light the struggles of the individual and their community through addiction and mental health crises. The show helps create empathy; empathy creates connection. And connection, more than anything else, is something we deeply need right now.

CITATIONS

Euphoria creator Sam Levinson on his controversial show: 'I hope it opens up a dialogue' [Interview by T. Stack]. (2019, June 16). Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2020, from https://ew.com/tv/2019/06/16/euphoria-creator-sam-levinson/.

Health, A. (2020). How HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ Depicts Teenage Drug Addiction Accurately. Retrieved 14 November 2020, from https://amhealth.com/2019/09/25/how-hbos-euphoria-depicts-teenage-drug-addiction-accurately/

Johnson, A. G. (2020). Patriarchy, the System: An It, Not a He, a Them, or an Us. In 1046495481 799935172 G. Kirk & 1046495482 799935172 M. Okazawa-Rey (Authors), Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (Seventh ed., pp. 62-70). New York, New York: Oxford University Press. (The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy, (2014))

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019). Euphoria [Television series]. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, June 23). Stuntin’ Like My Daddy [Television series episode] In Euphoria. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, July 28). The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed [Television series episode]. In Euphoria. HBO.

Scott, J. (1986). Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis. The American Historical Review. doi:10.1086/ahr/91.5.1053

Siegel, Z. (2019, August 06). Euphoria Doesn't Have a Drug Problem. Retrieved November 12, 2020, from https://www.vulture.com/2019/08/euphoria-hbo-drug-addiction-overdose.html

#euphoria #zendaya #GWSS assignment pleasedon'tjudge

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clarythericebot · 4 years ago

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betty & james & accountability

What i love most about betty is that it is, in taylor swift’s words, about a seventeen-year-old standing on a porch, learning how to apologize.

it’s about a teenager growing up, intentionally and painfully.

and it shows.

there are so many points in the song where you hear him want to turn away from his pain and deflect.

you heard the rumors from inez

you can’t believe a word she says

most times, but this time it was true

There’s a distinct pause between “says” and “most times”. you get the impression that james is making a complete statement--she’s just the small-town school gossip, don’t listen to her. and then he catches himself. he admits it, and for the first time his easy narration slows down into an agonizing confession:

the worst...thing that.. i ever did...was what...i did...to you

Then it speeds up! It turns into an anxiety-ridden teenager wanting to talk to his best friend/ex at a party that she’s throwing, a rambling mess of an articulated daydream that keeps turning into a nightmare. it’s also one of my favorite choruses that she’s ever written.

but if I just showed up at your party

would you have me? would you want me?

would you tell me to go fuck myself

or lead me to the garden

in the garden, would you trust me

if i told you it was just a summer thing?

here we see james attempting to envision his highest hopes; but even in his wistful imagination, he swerves into every single thing that can go wrong. if he goes to the party, she could take him back--or she could reject him. maybe it’s neither and she’d deign to hear him out, a quiet conversation just like old times--but even if she did, would she believe him? would it even matter, or would she dismiss all his apologies as too little and too late?

and up next is, i think, the most controversial part of the song:

i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything

but i know i missed you

but i’ll get to that later. the important point about it at this point is that we can infer that this is his motivation, the reason why he keeps considering to go to the godforsaken party--he misses her.

the next part of the song is the beginning of end.

betty, i know where it all went wrong

your favorite song was playing

from the far side of the gym

i was nowhere to be found

i hate the crowds, you know that

plus I saw you dance with him

what’s interesting to me is this is him catching himself again. there’s a pause between you know that and plus. what it looks like here is that james would rather betty believe he ran off by himself because of his dislike for crowded places because of his automatic excuse. but pay attention to the words. your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. betty hears her favorite song, looks around for james to dance with. james had disappeared into a corner by himself, but he does see her look for him, and the fact that he understands that they’re far from each other has a covert implication that he works up the courage to make the attempt to get to her. but.

I saw you dance with him.

we can infer a bit from this interaction. firstly that betty, if not necessarily a social butterfly, seems to be loved and comfortable even amidst the throes of high school. (she is the type of to throw parties and have supportive friends attend them, after all.) secondly that james is decidedly not as extroverted at her, and is crushed to see her dance with someone else.

and he admits that. we see that temptation again, to shift blame to betty herself--I hate the crowds, you know that. but he catches himself, and reveals the real reason was that he was jealous and insecurity.

I was walking home on broken cobblestones

Just thinking of you, when she pulled up like

A figment of my worst intentions

She said, “James, get in, let’s drive”

Those days turned into nights

Slept next to her, but

I dreamed of you all summer long

What I appreciate here is that he doesn’t slut-shame her. He explicitly says a figment of his worst intentions. and it’s true. all his sorrow and regret doesn’t excuse the fact that he uses this unnamed girl as a salve to his helplessness. to throw in a little feminist commentary in here, he also seems to be falling for the toxic idea that sex and losing his virginity will prove his masculinity. betty low-key calls him out on it in cardigan: I knew you / tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy.

What would Peter have to do to not lose Wendy? Grow up. But there is growing up, the awkward and painful process of taking responsibility, and the supposed indications of growing up that don’t actually tell you a thing about maturity (like having sex), and it looks James decided to choose the latter.

(not to excuse james, though, it should be noted that the unnamed girl isn’t entirely fair, either. in august, she clearly knows about betty--you were never mine. she isn’t completely random; james gets in the car because he knows her. she sings i remember thinking I had you and back when I was living for the hope of it all. Put together, the character of this unnamed girl is someone who seems to have had a longtime crush on james. what the entire situation seems to be is that james used her to grasp at some shred at confidence, while she snatches at a moment of weakness to try for the relationship she wanted for him.)

does the unnamed girl deserve an apology? yes. of course. i can kinda see why james wouldn’t bring her up in his apology song to betty, though.

The swell of music after the above verse, by the way, seems to symbolize James’ determination. Picture him using that burst of bravery to propel himself to the closest he’s been yet to his ex’s house without panicking, only for that musical bravado to trickle away into agonizing quiet as he takes in what he’s about to do.

Betty, I’m here at your doorstep

And I planned it out for weeks now

But it’s finally sinking in

Betty, right now is the last time

I can dream about what happens

When you see my face again

James explicitly states that this is when the feeling finally sinks in. And what is the feeling? Quite obviously: Fear. In a way, it’s underlined by the fact that he notices it’s the last time he can think about the best case scenario. In choruses, we know that James cannot stay in the best case scenario. He will inevitably sink into the depths of the worst possibility, and the pause after this seems to indicate the heart-thumping instinct to run while he still can. The fact that James is afraid is palpable, and not just because he’s facing Betty.

There’s a question that hangs around this song: Why doesn’t James just talk to her? In private? Not in a party? It’s not because he’s trying to pressure her--all mentions of her friends or anyone else, really, seems to indicate that they will clearly be on Betty’s side. There is no one pushing Betty to forgive him--quite the contrary. And while she switched her homeroom, they’re still in the same school; she can’t avoid him and, from what we learn of Betty, she wouldn’t, anyway.

The answer, I think, is showing up to the party is part of James’ apology.

If how it all went wrong was because he was too cowardly or it took him to long to face the crowds for her, then damn it, his apology will take place in front of a crowd of hostile teenagers. If how he acted caused her embarrassment, to be the object of unfair rumors, he’d give her a chance to publicly shame him. It’s an extreme move, but it’s characteristic to James’ reckless (now intentional) abandon, and the fact that he really is so young. An adult would apologize quietly. James will go for the all-or-nothing, even if it kills him.

And it is killing him. I think the fathomless fear of the worst case scenario would be enough to choke him out of his resolve if his motivation was, in fact, only due to emotion.

In earlier verses, he sings:

i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything

but i know i missed you

this is utterly immature, if you think about it. selfish as much as it is sweet. he would ask her to come back to him in spite of all the hurt he caused because he misses her, he wants her with him. but if he were really relying on that, he’d leave.

he doesn’t.

the only thing I wanna do

is make it up to you

The real reason why he’s here is to make it up to Betty. To apologize to her, to take responsibility (to finally grow up) and whatever comes along with it.

so i showed up at your party

Picture people staring at him then--his worst fear. There is silence. Not neutral or curious. Openly hostile. How dare he show his face? Girls whisper. Boys, other friends of Betty’s, maybe even the guy he was so jealous of in the beginning, crack their knuckles. James’ head dips into his neck, his shoulders hunched.

yeah, i showed up at your party

He and Betty catch sight of each other. He holds his breath.

And then!

yeah, i showed up at your party

would you have me? will you love me?

will you kiss me on the porch

in front of all your stupid friends?

if you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it?

Will it patch your broken wings?

THE SWEETEST.

What I’d like to underline here is that, aside from the heart-rending, world-toppling reunion, we finally get a deeper glance into James’ daydreams, his true best-case-scenario. He learns to take responsibility because he wants to make it up to her--because he realizes that she’s hurting, too. And his wildest dreams, his real longed-for hope, isn’t that her love is going to make him feel better. It’s that his willingness to be lay his trembling heart before her in front of everyone who hates him will mend her own heart.

I’m only seventeen, I don’t know anything

But I know I miss you

At this point, this line has graduated from immature selfishness to the wondrous, reckless, willing-to-learn openness. The controversy around these lines is that James is saying them as an excuse for his actions. On the contrary--he uses his love for her to break him out of himself, and we understand that now. I’m only seventeen, he says, and teenaged boys can be blustering and insensitive and self-centered, and some never really grow up. But James does, for Betty’s sake. He may be young, but his guiding light is his love for her.

Standing in your cardigan

Kissing in my car again

Stopped at a streetlight

You know I miss you

#clary scribbles #taylor swift #folk lore #betty #august #cardigan #teenage love triangle #james #meta #taylor swift meta

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captainchrisfics · 6 years ago

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“I told you so.”

About: Requested by @intrepidandabitcrazy , Chris has a thing for saying he told you so, specifically to the first person pov narrator he has a thing for, too. Between their close friendship, working together, and other relationships all standing in the way, pining after each other without realizing becomes commonplace. Full of angst, fluff, and some sexier scenes, but I wouldn’t call it nsfw personally. Hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 6,373 (Which is… shocking. Doesn’t feel like it imo but apologies in advance)

A/N: If you couldn’t tell by the word count, I enjoyed this prompt particularly. Thank you for submitting it and waiting so patiently during my break! It’s nice to be back :)

“I told you so!” Chris cheered, holding me tight to his chest as we jumped up and down in celebration. He was my first call when I got off the phone with my agent, prompting him to show up at my door with flowers and a bottle of champagne in his hands in no time. I’d just landed the role that everyone kept calling my big break and, while I didn’t want to get my hopes too high, I was already so far above the clouds. It was the lead in a movie Chris was directing and starring in as well, which already brought attention to the project. It was nerve-wracking so having him here and a bottle of France’s finest to take my mind off of it was a welcomed surprise.

Chris spun me one more time before setting me down. As much as I was looking forward to this project, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to spend more time with him, too. We met on the set of a teen movie what felt like a lifetime ago and haven’t been able to shake each other since, even after his career skyrocketed Chris among the stars. I couldn’t wait to work with my best friend again. I missed laughing over lunch breaks, all the sleepovers in each other’s trailers, creating more bloopers than we could count. It made the long hours feel shorter when Chris was next door rather than a rushed FaceTime call away, which had been the case more often than not lately.

Chris put the bottle he brought in the fridge and pulled out a beer for each of us instead. “Purely symbolic,” he explained, cracking his can open while he slid mine across the counter. “This is more our speed,” I agreed, cheersing our aluminum so hard they sloshed together. “Can’t believe we’re going to work with each other again-” Chris was cut off by my ringtone. It was my boyfriend, which caused a stone to drop in the bottom of my stomach, sending ripples of a feeling like I was doing something wrong to wash over me like waves.

I didn’t have any reason to feel guilty, I reminded myself, as I answered. “Hey,” I said, trying to mask the way I cleared the weirdness in my throat. “You got the job?” he responded, disregarding all pleasantries. When I confirmed it, instead of being happy for me, he was upset. Mad that I hadn’t told him. Angry that, while he was reading about the biggest news of my career on a headline, I was cracking open a cold one with Chris. Suspicious of Chris’s presence when the article claimed I was only cast because of our close relationship, to be an on-set booty call rather than an actress.

“Look, I know you said it’s not my business,” Chris said before I even pulled the phone away from my cheek, referencing one of the many arguments we had about why this guy was still hanging around. “But he’s a dick,” he finished, staring at me intently with a furrowed brow. The celebratory atmosphere was sucked out of the room, leaving Chris and me in a vacuum of air that felt too thick to breathe. I bit my lip, looking down at the drink in my hand to avoid the intensity in those blue eyes. I shrugged him off.

“I didn’t just get the part because we’re friends, right?” I fed into my insecurity, looking anywhere but his eyes until Chris reached across the counter. He tilted my head up by my chin, his crystal clear blue eyes transparent with honesty and imploring me to believe him. “I wasn’t the only one at the audition table and everyone who was agreed on two things,” Chris said softly but still with so much sureness. “This part was all but made for you and you played it like it was. That’s why everyone, including and not solely me, wanted you to have the part.” I smiled up at him in thanks as he tugged his hand from my chin and hesitated for a second, leaving it hovering in the air between us until he took the leap to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear quickly before retreating completely. It was intimate and gentle until he cleared his throat with a scratchy cough.

Chris shook his head and insisted, “Anyone who says otherwise will see they’re wrong once the movie’s out, including your prick of a boyfriend.” I shoved his shoulder gently, letting Chris know he should tread lightly. Chris only brushed it off with a roll of his eyes. “Honestly, it’s perfect for you. The whole time I was reading the script, I was picturing you already,” he said offhandedly, washing down the lump in his throat with a swig from his beer.

That piqued my interest. I watched my can as I twirled it in circles on the counter before looking up at Chris through my eyelashes. “You envisioned me as your love interest, huh?” I teased, my eyebrows perked along with the corners of my lips. This wasn’t a slip of the tongue he’d live down soon. A lot of people mistook us as a couple and everyone else said we’d make a good one, which was always something we found funny. It just wasn’t how it was between the two of us.

My eyes were drawn to the way his muscles grew stiff under his tight t-shirt. “That’s not what I meant,” Chris scoffed. For an award-winning actor, it was a sorry attempt pretending to be discreet. “What, are you nervous about kissing me?” I cooed jokingly, leaning towards him with obnoxiously puckered lips. “More like dreading catching your cooties,” he shot back, contorting his face to show faux disgust.

“I’m just excited to work together again,” I said, allowing for the change in the subject we so desperately needed. I walked around the island to bump hips with Chris, wrapping my arm around his waist while he reached across my shoulders and hugged me into his side. “Same here,” he said, smiling down at me. “We did some stupid shit to each other. Remember that time I put toothpaste in your Oreos on set?” I reminisced about our constant prank war which terrorized nearly the whole studio. Chris tightened his grip on me as he sighed and said, “Yeah, I can’t wait to get back to it.”

Before I realized what was happening, Chris popped his pointer finger into his mouth and then shoved into my ear- a callback to a prank I pulled many on him times before. “Evans!” I scolded in a gasp, drawing my hand to my heart. “I’m gonna kill you!” I screeched, but he took off and was out of my reach in seconds. Chris cackled as he ran down my hallway, stopping as he laughed too hard to continue. His hand rested over his left pec as he doubled over in laughter and his eyes squeezed tight, leaving him vulnerable to attack. I sent our bodies tumbling as I tackled him for payback, leaving the two of us tangled together and laughing until we cried on my floor.

“Told you so,” Chris said when he pulled away. My eyes fluttered open to see the goofy grin on his face, complemented by the rosy blush turning his cheeks redder by the second. My eyes nearly popped, so wide from the utter shock of what had just happened. “Yeah, that was pretty weird,” I laughed forcefully, trying to brush the awkwardness off. While I was too worried over playing my role just right, it didn’t occur to me that being Chris’s character’s love interest would be something that felt more paramount when the day of our makeout scene crept up.

I laid awake in my hotel bed, trying to sleep knowing tired puffy eyes wouldn’t go well with the firetruck red my face would turn the second Chris put his lips on mine. Hell, my skin felt feverish just thinking about it. I wrote it off as nothing more than nerves. I mean, tearing your best friend’s shirt off while attacking each other with your tongues, knowing everyone who thought you were secretly dating would pick apart every detail down to the passion, would make anyone apprehensive, right?

I’d been around this thought spiral so many times I was sure my tracks had worn a rut into my mind so deep I wasn’t about to pull myself out anytime soon until Chris showed up with a rope, ready to rescue me. He knocked on my door so soft with uncertainty I wasn’t sure I really heard it at first. Chris leaned against the frame in nothing but his loose pajama bottoms, his anxiety so evident it felt like I was looking in a mirror. “Can I kiss you?” he said like a confession, the words tumbling past his lips before he could think to seal them shut. I felt my jaw hit the poorly cleaned floral-patterned carpet. Chris stood up straighter like he’d just been shocked with electricity by his own words. “I am so sorry, that came out wrong,” he stammered. “I’m just kinda nervous about tomorrow and I thought maybe a professional platonic trial run without cameras and people staring would help break the ice, but if you don’t want to it’s totally okay of course I understand. This was stupid anyway-”

“Come in,” I accepted his invitation, if only to stop the utterly embarrassing rambling he’d resorted to. Definitely not because I was maybe even more fevered than Chris. And it had nothing to do with how soft the skin of his taut muscles seemed to be or how I was hyper-focused on the way I thought it would make my fingertips tingle if they would be so lucky to run along the dips of his abs. “I couldn’t sleep either,” I tried to reassure him as I closed the door behind Chris, eyes glued to his bare back as he walked toward my bed. Hips ticking from side to side like he was keeping time with each step, the muscles of his back rippling with each stretch as he climbed onto the mattress.

“This is going to be so weird. You’re not gonna like it,” Chris commented once I joined him on top of the sheets, still disheveled from my tossing and turning. I shrugged, bringing up how many on-screen kisses we’ve both had in the past. It couldn’t be that different or so I thought. It was a part of the job. “We’ve never kissed each other before though,” he countered, head cocked to one side in contemplation. His rosy, chapped lips hung open like an open door of invitation.

I took that as my opportunity. Fast and sudden, like I was trying to rip off the bandaid, I leaned in. He tasted like fresh toothpaste and the nerves of turning in an exam you weren’t too sure about. Chris was measured and reserved as he slowed me down, keeping his hands on my knees for balance. I laced my fingers together behind his neck as we sunk into the kiss so they wouldn’t be tempted to go any lower, trying to follow his lead. Then his fingers traced up my thighs slowly, like he was giving me a chance to stop him if I wanted, and then they slipped underneath the hem of my top, inching it up until his palms rested comfortably on the curve of my hips. My hands gravitated up, evidence that the floating I felt was real, and became tangled in his dark hair still damp from his shower.

I fell backward onto the bed, begging Chris to follow without saying so. He hovered over me, holding onto my hip so tightly it was like he was trying to make sure I was real. That this wasn’t the dream it seemed to be. Even though the script said it was supposed to be rushed and hungry as if we needed to devour each other, we took it slow. More like we were exploring, testing the waters before setting sail. In a fit of daring recklessness, I dragged a nail down his torso, outlining his defined muscles until I reached his obliques and hooked my fingertips under his waistband. My hips bucked up to meet Chris’s despite my better judgement, feeling him pressing hard against me to my surprise. He didn’t show any embarrassment if he felt it, we were so close there wasn’t any room for it between us. His tongue grazed my bottom lip and snuck by mine, eliciting a gasp from me. It wasn’t out of surprise or offense as much as Chris seemed to just suck the air out of me, leaving me breathless and empty without him as quickly as we’d started.

He was right, it was weird. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I did. Chris smoothed my shirt back down and smiled sheepishly as he stood in the doorway again on his way out. His eyes kept darting to the bed and part of me hoped he’d confess to being reluctant to leave so he could stay, but he seemed anxious to go as well. Torn between my room and the hotel hallway, Chris stared at me like he was looking for the same thing I was.

“It’s been nice working with you,” I joked half-heartedly, reminding the both of us that this was purely professional. Chris chuckled as he flattened his hair back down, not wanting it to dry the way it lay after my hands tore through it. “Yeah, all work no play,” he agreed with a tight smile before sighing indignantly. Chris leaned toward me, causing my heart to do some flips an Olympic gymnastics coach would be proud of until it plummeted when his lips landed on my cheek instead. He didn’t pull away for a beat too long, like he was thinking about something else.

“Goodnight,” he whispered with hesitation barely an inch from my ear, evoking goosebumps all over my skin. He wanted to say something else. “How much I liked it scares me too,” I croaked, even though instead it sounded like, “Sweet dreams.” He looked at me with empathetic eyes that said he understood as he added a “You too.” Chris tried to stall further with a scratch of the back of his neck, still not completely relegated to the hallway even when I closed the door and shut him out. “Do I even have to say I told you so?” Chris slurred in a sing-songy voice, re-occupying his stool next to mine at the bar with a slip of paper between his fingers. We’d been sitting there when he noticed a girl he thought was really pretty. Apparently, she worked as a makeup artist on one of his Marvel movies and he never got the courage to ask her out. Until he spotted her from across the room and claimed it was some sort of fate that brought them together.

“I think I should go talk to her,” he said, spinning in his chair without the balance to keep himself upright against the momentum. “Do you think I should go talk to her?” Chris inquired in a low tone, looking for some validation. “No,” I said without thinking like it was automatic. An involuntary, instinctual reaction in the same way that your leg kicks when the doctor hits your knee. He frowned against the tip of his beer while taking a swig. Chris cleared his throat, obviously a little rattled, and asked why. I didn’t have an answer though. I looked at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, trying to find the words to explain the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My boyfriend returned from the bathroom. Unaware of the awkward air filling us, he wrapped his arm around me sloppily and tried to insert himself into the conversation. Chris turned to me with a tightened jaw, irritated by his presence. It was supposed to be just the two of us after all. But then my boyfriend asked where I was going and insisted that he could use a drink, though I knew it was because he was insecure about my relationship with Chris. He never liked when we hung out alone.

Chris slammed his beer down on the bar with a newfound fervor. “You still have him,” he said with a complete disregard for my boyfriend’s attempt at making conversation, jutting his jaw out in a pout. “So you don’t have a good reason why I can’t have someone, too.” Chris stormed away, stumbling as he tried to walk in a straight line. Over his shoulder, he grumbled, “I’m gonna get her number.”

And he did, just like he told me he would. I wanted to be happy for Chris. Since we’d known each other, neither of us had been in a long term relationship. Even when we were with someone, it always seemed to feel like they were the one who was third-wheeling. But then I met my boyfriend, things got serious, and Chris has been acting like the jealous odd man out ever since. I reassured myself that it was good that he was putting himself out there so we could both have other people, like he said.

Still, it didn’t ease the feeling I couldn’t identify simmering the pit of my stomach. It was like I felt everything in me bubbling as it came to a boil, but I tried not to read into it. After all, it may have just been the whiskey. Brown liquor always upset my stomach, I reminded myself in spite of the heaviness in my chest and the thoughts of what occurred to me were jealousy which failed to corroborate this excuse.

“That’s great,” I said, faking a smile. Either Chris’s eyesight was too blurry from the alcohol to pick up on my facade or he was too distracted by the way his new girl was side-eyeing him sexily from across the room as she flipped her long hair in his direction. New girl implied there was an old one and then I realized it might be me, which I certainly was not or at least I didn’t think so, but I mean maybe I was how was I supposed to know? That doubt alone was enough to send me into a spiral.

“I want to go home,” I spit out, all too suddenly in Chris’s perspective. I craned my neck into my boyfriend’s side, who was already standing up and eager to leave. He stuck his hand in my back pocket, which Chris stared at with his eyes cast down and an uninhibited scowl. “C’mon,” I urged him, though he stood sturdy like a tree planted in place. Chris shook his head. Usually, he walked back with me to the place my boyfriend and I started to share since it was pretty close to the bar and slept off his hangover. Then this crooked, devilish smirk crept onto his face as he caught the piercing eye of the girl from before and he informed me of his other plans.

“Get home safe then,” I said stiffly. I crossed my arms over my chest and stuck my chin up a little. “You have fun with yours and I’ll do the same with mine,” Chris promised like it was a punishment, for who I don’t know. “Oh, I will,” I said with narrowed eyes as I stabbed my pointer finger into his chest, suddenly overcome with a fit of anger I couldn’t explain. “Isn’t that right, babe?” My boyfriend shook his head and dragged me out of the bar, insisting all I needed was to go to sleep.

On the walk home, as I ranted about Chris’s nerve and his audacity to shove his sex life in my face, my boyfriend stopped short of our apartment. “Why do you care so much about who he sleeps with?” he asked clearly exasperated, a fury of his own evidently boiling just below the surface. “Look, it’s obvious you have feelings for him. I’m getting sick of the up and down, of being in love and so sure you’re just as in this as I am. And then I see you around Chris and I’m not so sure. If you’re leading me on and you want to be with him, just say so. We can end it now,” my boyfriend said, his voice rising with each word like a kettle.

I shook my head meekly. “No… it’s not like that. I don’t want that,” I said, feeling so feeble under the weight of his accusatory stare. “I want you. Only you,” I insisted, though I wasn’t too sure who I was trying to prove that to at this point. I was starting to suspect I was the one who needed the reassurance. It didn’t matter though, Chris didn’t want me anyway. So I kissed my boyfriend with everything I had left in me to convince him of it, too. We stumbled backward, falling into each other like you’re supposed to. But his touch wasn’t the same as Chris’s, making my skin tingle with every bit of contact. His kiss wasn’t like Chris’s either, we didn’t move together in the same way and he didn’t taste as sweet. He wasn’t able to make me feel the same way, like my heart was ready to explode from my chest. He just wasn’t Chris.

“Why would I say I told you so?” Chris said as he wrapped his arms around me, enveloping me in a hug so tight I thought I heard a rib crack. It was late and he looked tired, but he answered my call without a second ring when I tried to reach out.

My boyfriend- well, ex now. My ex and I got into a row over Chris. Again. It’d been a few months since he first blatantly confronted me about it outside the bar, and it only snowballed from there, growing bigger and gaining momentum until it finally exploded. He couldn’t take the rumors of me cheating on him with Chris anymore, which were worsened since the release of our movie.

He trusted me enough to know they weren’t true, but he was certain I wanted them to be. He couldn’t unsee a love in my eyes when I looked at Chris he didn’t feel. He couldn’t shake how I lit up when Chris walked into the room he was already in. He couldn’t ignore it anymore and he insisted I needed to stop doing the same. I still persisted that he was wrong and if he was really so sure of it he should break up with me himself. Then he did.

I left our apartment with an overnight bag and Chris on speed dial. I explained it all to him on my way over and, by the time he asked me to spend the night so he’d know I was safe, I was already at his front door telling him he could gloat about being right as he usually did. “Go ahead and just say it already, you told me so,” I choked out, trying to get a reign on the tears threatening to stampede.

“You need a friend not a smart ass right now,” Chris said softly before kissing the top of my head and pulling me inside. I saw the girl he took home from the bar curled up on his couch under a blanket they’d been sharing, shooting daggers at me with her eyes. Then the crushing reality of their burgeoning relationship hit me like a ton of bricks sitting heavy on top of my already oppressed chest.

“Can I speak to you, Chris?” she said steadily, the venom seething from her words still apparent. He nodded and took the time to set me up with the tv remote and another blanket as she hovered with crossed arms, tapping her foot impatiently. I avoided her by gluing my eyes to the movie they’d had on already, though I still felt her lethal gaze. Chris followed her down the hall until I heard what sounded like the furthest door slam shut.

They weren’t gone for long before I heard the door being ripped open so hard it hit the wall. Chris’s girlfriend came storming down the hall with her purse slung over her shoulder and angry lines etched into her expression. She stopped short of the front door and backtracked until she was face to face with me, jabbing a pointed finger into my face. “This is your fault,” she spit at me. “If you didn’t have Chris so far up your ass when you don’t even bother to give him anything in return he’d have room for other women in his life.” She looked at me with wide eyes, expecting a fight. Some sort of comeback. Maybe even just a little bit of a challenge. Instead, she was met with my surprise. “He’ll get sick of it and leave you too, you know,” she tried again to provoke some sort reaction capable to satisfy whatever bloodlust was coursing through her. Instead, she got nothing other than my inability to do anything but sit there and stare back until she grunted with dissatisfaction and left with the slam of another door echoing behind her.

“Chris I didn’t-“ I started, but was muffled by his chest. In mere seconds he’d reached the couch and cradled me in his arms, dragging a heavy hand over my hair soothingly. I wanted him to know I was sorry for screwing yet another relationship up in less than a day, let alone his. I wanted to tell him I shouldn’t have been here in the first place considering how angry it always made my boyfriend when I ran to Chris when things get tough. Now I made them tough for him too and I had no one to blame but myself. He had no one to blame but me either. I wanted him to know I understood that I’ve been playing with him like a yo-yo. Up when it was just the two of us, when we could share a drink without thinking about who was missing because nobody really was, when we could kiss until we couldn’t breathe and call it work so we could ignore the repercussions or implications. Down when he wasn’t really the one I got to go home with at the end of the night and he was left thinking about what I was doing with my boyfriend while I compulsively wondered what I could be doing with Chris, when our friendship became a ticking time-bomb threatening every other serious relationship in our lives. Now it had exploded and I was left with Chris among the wreckage finally realizing that I was the one who caused all the damage.

Chris looked worn as a result of his creased forehead as he stood before me, pinching in between his nose. Tired of the up and down. This was the part where he’d yell at me to get out, realize that I’m the reason he’s alone now, refuse to have anything to do with me as he realized she was right too. Instead, Chris turned to me with a sigh, putting on a tired smile that didn’t strike me as particularly disingenuous. “I know,” Chris said, his tone forgiving and full of tenderness. “Don’t apologize for anything and don’t listen to her either. I’d never waste my time on anyone who’d treat you like that and neither should you,” he reassured me only slightly, which served as a stark reminder that Chris may not actually be able to read my mind. If he could, he’d know there was so much more to be upset about than some girl saying mean things to me. The issue was that they were true.

Chris sat on the couch angled toward the tv and tugged me into his lap, wrapping a blanket around the two of us like a cocoon shielding out the rest of the world and keeping us safe inside. “We don’t have to worry about the rest of it right now. Let’s just watch some trashy reality tv and be grateful our lives aren’t that terrible, huh?” Chris proposed with a tipped eyebrow and a soft, gentle smile tucked in between the dark beard that was starting to outgrow his face.

I accepted, snatching the bowl of popcorn from the table and resting it in my lap. After all, it was tempting to try to find some normalcy after the night we’ve had. Chris reached and I thought he was going to take a handful of the snack until his hand found the other side of my him instead of the inside of the bowl. Chris wrapped both arms around me in a hug from behind and pulled me as close to his chest as he possibly could. He rested his chin on my shoulder, scratching my cheek with his beard and filling my senses with Chris. He smelled like fresh mountain air where you could really breathe for once and the excitement of a football game’s crowded stands amidst the fans of the winning team. Chris’s heart beat fast against my back. It wasn’t comforting in a calming kind of way since it seemed to flutter as fast as a hummingbird, but it brought me peace to know he was feeling it too. Just as excited as I was. Instead of questioning it too much, I snuggled deeper into his chest, conscious of how we fit like puzzle pieces.

“I think Kourtney is my favorite. She just seems the most normal,” Chris said quietly given his proximity and somehow completely normally amidst everything else. “I think I like Kim better,” I said, following his lead and tossing a few pieces of popcorn into my mouth. Chris gave me a quizzical look to which I elaborated, “It’s the drama.”

He nodded in understanding before hanging his mouth open and nudging my shoulder with his chin, asking for some popcorn for himself. “Only if you catch it,” I insisted, a mischievous smirk playing on my lips. Chris told me I was on, freeing me to crawl to the other side of the couch for some yardage. He missed the first but caught the second with a resounding cheer from the crowd, being just the two of us. Chris jumped up and pumped a fist into the air before betting me he could catch it from a farther distance.

The next morning I woke up to see Chris just inches away, looking like a dream with all of the affection in the world swimming in his ocean eyes. He was staring at me like he was in just as much disbelief as me, the corners of his pink lips turned up in a small smirk. “This is the best way to wake up,” Chris sighed wistfully. His morning breath hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t as bad as his post-coffee breath yet, hinting that he hadn’t been up too long. “I keep thinking about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch,” he confessed like he’d been waiting to tell me this whole time. “Or rather, what wouldn’t have.”

Then I remembered waking up, propped on the toilet in the middle of Chris scrubbing at my face with some makeup wipes I’d left in his guest bathroom. He grew sheepish when he realized and said, “I know how much you hate sleeping with all this shit still on, but I didn’t want to wake you up. I’ve got an old jersey and some new boxers for you to sleep in. Honestly, I’m really glad you woke up before I had to figure the whole changing thing out,” Chris rambled as he scratched the back of his neck nervously, backing up until he bumped into the towel rack as if he was recoiling before this had the chance to backfire.

I realized it all in that moment. With Chris crouching in front of me on his bathroom floor, a dirty wipe in his hand and his eyes pleading me not to think he’d overstepped his bounds and my heart just bursting with thanks for him, that I really loved him. I couldn’t write it off as platonic anymore, suppress my feelings while fearing that he may not reciprocate, worry about risking our friendship, or pretend that any other reason I could think of to keep us apart meant more to me than us being together. Even with my brain still foggy from sleep, it was as simple as that. All I could do was be honest and hope Chris felt the same. So I reached out to caress his scruffy cheek, my arm moving through the air between us like it was molasses. “Thank you,” I said with a shaky breath so quietly that it could’ve been drowned out if the sink dripped at the right second.

Chris froze like a deer in headlights about to be hit. Or maybe he was nervous that I’d be the one scared away by any sudden movements. “Chris,” I said seriously, tiredness still evident in my scratchy throat. “I love you.” I forced every ounce of passion and confidence I could muster into those three words, hoping he could feel even a fraction of it as my eyes bored into his. We’ve said those words to each other a million times before, but never with this sort of gravity. Never with the feeling so strong and sure in my chest, never feeling like I was floating in the utter empty nothingness of space. So vulnerable out in the open, bare and alone.

Chris furrowed his brow and scrunched his nose, looking at me like I had three heads. “Yeah, you know I love you too,” he said in confusion, taken aback by my sincerity. I shook my head and tried again, knowing nothing was going to stop me from saying it now. Not after all of this time. “You don’t get it, Chris. I really love you,” I said again, stressing it even more now. I probably seemed insane, sitting on Chris’s toilet with an old Patriots jersey balled on my lap and staring at him so hard my eyes started to ache in an attempt to profess my feelings for him. “It’s okay if it isn’t mutual I just had to say it-” I started, feeling like I was still drifting into space as my tether to him floated in the other direction.

Until Chris broke out into a grin so big looking at him made my cheeks hurt, pulling me back into his orbit in a hurtling ball of excited fire. He held my hand on his cheek, bringing it down and lacing our fingers together. “You really love me?” he asked incredulously, looking between our entwined hands and my bobbing head like it was too good to be true. “I really love you too. Fuck, you don’t know how good it feels to say that,” Chris admitted, sighing like the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders as he squeezed my hand even tighter. “I think I do,” I giggled.

He looked at me one more time before gathering my cheeks in his strong hands, pressing his lips hard against mine. It was thrilling and comfortable and exhilarating and familiar in only the way Chris was to me, completely free of everything else. Every invasive article, every judgment from another, every nervous insecurity, every single thing that had been standing between us seemed to melt away in our heat. It felt like we were a sun, tumbling together as we shot through space in a series of small explosions amounting to a hot bomb of life-giving light.

Chris fell to his knees in between my legs as I balled his shirt in my fist, pulling him as close to me as I possibly could. The kiss was considerate and slow, still finding our way out to open waters but relishing in the unabashed adventure of each other even more so than the first time we kissed. This was completely different. We couldn’t pretend to be people we weren’t playing out a romantic scene. It was really Chris who was tangling his fingers in my hair of his own volition, it was entirely up to me when I wrapped my legs around his hips. Now it was just the two of us. Chris and I.

I liked the sound of that, maybe even more the next morning. Standing in Chris’s bedroom, wearing nothing other than his Patriots jersey and watching our reflections in the full-length mirror as he crept up behind me, wrapping his strong arms around my waist and placing a kiss on the top of my messy bedhead.

“How're pancakes for breakfast?” he asked, although I suspected my only other option would be a nice bowl of cereal Chris couldn’t burn. I laid my arms over his, holding hands in a messy dog pile of fingers. “I’d like that,” I responded. “Do you have-”

“Blueberries? Yes, just for you,” he finished my sentence. Chris didn’t move to the kitchen. Instead, he stayed standing there with me, watching ourselves as he swayed slowly in the mirror. Barely being able to tell where Chris ended and I started, we were completely at peace together for the first time in what I hadn’t realized was a long time.

“You really love me too, huh?” I asked, looking down at our interlocked hands. I didn’t think I’d love the picture of his big hands, calloused from countless football matches, dwarfing my own as they laced together as much as I do. Chris shrugged like he couldn’t believe it either, a funny smile playing on his lips letting me know a witty response was just on the tip of his tongue. “Well, I told you so. Didn’t I?” he crooned, breaking out into a grin so big it crinkled his eyes.

476 notes · View notes

inevitably-johnlocked · 5 years ago

Note

Hi! Can you recommend some Final Problem Johnlock fics?

Hi Nonny!

Ahhh, okay so I haven’t really read very many fics dealing specifically with TFP, but the ones I do know of are fics on my MFL list or consider TFP as “canon”. So here’s what I have for you; please lovelies, if you know of any of your own, let us know!

THE FINAL PROBLEM is CANON

See also:

Post S4 / S4 Fix Its

Post S4 / S4 Fix Its Pt. 2

S3 / TAB / S4 [FIX IT] Fics (March 2019)

Post S4 Fics Masterpost

There’s Always Three of Us by Itsallfine (T, 1,765 w., 1 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic/Post TFP, Parentlock / Rosie, Angelo’s, First Kiss, January 29, Love Declarations) – Sherlock takes John and Rosie out to Angelo’s and gets a chance to correct the biggest mistake of his life.

The In-Between by blueink3 (M, 10,679 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff and Angst, H/C, Parentlock, Fix-It Fic, Canon Compliantish) – Beginning in a Chinese restaurant and ending at the bottom of a well, what about the moments we didn’t see?

Dropping the Act by jadztone (T, 27,258 w., 10 Ch. || Parentlock, Fake Relationship, Mary’s Family, Post-S4, Cuddling & Snuggling, Bed Sharing, Pining, Christmas) – Sherlock and John are quite happy living together with Rosie in Baker St. They might be even happier if they didn’t act towards each other like their love is only platonic. Mycroft brings troubling news in the form of Mary’s parents wanting to know just what their grandchild’s home life is like. The boys decide to spend Christmas pretending like they are in love in order to seem more like a “normal” family. It’s easy enough to pretend when all you’re doing is dropping the act.

Another Auld Lang Syne by DiscordantWords (M, 30,234 w., 31 Ch. || Post S4, Mutual Pining, Alternating POV, Introspection, Parentlock, Christmas, New Year’s, First Kiss, Past Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending, Drinking, Sherlock Whump) – There had been years of missed chances.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea by DiscordantWords (M, 39,968 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It || Grief / Mourning, Victor Trevor, Friendship, Sherlock is Not Okay, Nightmares/Flashbacks/Panic Attacks, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John Comes Home) – Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.

The Pieces That Fall to Earth by Itsallfine (M, 49,513 w., 84 Ch. || S4 Fix-It, Epistolary, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Parentlock, Past Abuse, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Questioning Sexuality, Mental Health Issues / Therapy, Angst, Happy Ending) – John and Sherlock have hit rock bottom, but with all their armor stripped away, they can finally speak honestly, seek healing, and find the truths that matter most. An epistolary post-s4 fix-it fic. Now complete.(This fic is rated T except for one very clearly marked and easily skippable chapter, which is rated M.) Part 1 of The Pieces that Fall to Earth

The Book of Silence by SilentAuror (E, 60,056 w., 2 Ch. || S4 Fix It / Post S4, Virgin Sherlock, Rosie / Parentlock, Domesticity, Fluff, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, First Person POV) – As spring blooms in London, John and Sherlock begin to take new cases and cautiously negotiate this new phase of life with John living at Baker Street again. Despite how well it’s all going, John struggles to forgive himself for the way he treated Sherlock following Mary’s death as well as trying to figure out how to finally put his long-time feelings for Sherlock into words. Part 1 of The Book of Silence/Rosa Felicia

The Bells of King’s College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It’s only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths…

MARKED FOR LATER

Evermore by SosoHolmesWatson (G, 2,068 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4, Parentlock, Beauty and the Beast, Love Confessions, Disney Songs, Oblivious John, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Pining Sherlock) – For the past years, John and Sherlock have lived at Baker Street again, raising Rosie together–as friends and nothing more. Ever since the little girl has watched her first Disney movie, she is obsessed with princesses. When John comes home one day, he finds his friend and his daughter in the middle of a reenactment of her current favourite. Part 1 of the Made of Music series

A One-Track Life by JennLynn77 (E, 13,526 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4/TFP, Parentlock, Est. Rel., Medical Procedures, Anal, Cuddling/Snuggling, Bed Sharing, Surgery, Physical Therapy, Retirement, Sherlock Whump, Caring John, Bottomlock, Endearments, Drug Addiction, Triggers) – A medical situation threatens to derail the plans Sherlock had for his life with John and Rosie.

Easier With You by addicted2hugh, FinAmour (E, 13,865 w., 2 Ch. || Post S4, Est. Rel., Parentlock, Insecure Sherlock, Fluff and Smut, Bottomlock, Vulnerable Sherlock, Sherlock’s Past, Porn with Feelings, Pillow Fights, Idiots in Love, Caring John, Light Angst, Frottage, POV Third Person John, Blow Jobs, Purple Shirt of Sex) – Sherlock smiles slightly, his forehead coming to rest on John’s, and he lets out a tiny sigh. “It’s not myself I worry about, John.” “I know,” John says, his nose brushing against Sherlock’s. “And I will support any decision you make. But Rosie is going to be happy with you no matter what. You truly are her hero, you know that?” Sherlock exhales a small laugh. “Am I?” “That’s not even a question that needs answered, Sherlock. She’s amazed by you.”

Kintsugi by distantstarlight (E, 14,772 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Regret / Remorse, Loneliness, Separation, Drug Use, Healing, Protective John, Sad Sherlock, Dev. Rel., Complicated Relationships, Love, Angst) – Sherlock Holmes becomes estranged from the man he had once considered his best friend after John lets him down horribly in public. It seems that the world’s only consulting detective will be on his own once again…or will he?

fulfilling for other people Series by missselene (E, 19,140 w. across 4 works || Post S4, Pining Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Oblivious John, Unrequited Love, UST/RST, Bath Sex, Internalized Homophobia, First Kiss/Time, Making Love, Tender Sex, Vocal Sherlock, Caring John, Angst and Fluff) – When Sherlock decides to act on John’s advice regarding romantic entanglements, the results are far from what John expected.

WHISPER TO ME by chrysanthemumsies (T, 20,598 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Fluff, Parentlock, Mutual Pining, Music, Sherlock Plays Guitar, Love Confessions, Light Angst, Romance, First Kiss) - Following the events of S4, Sherlock and John try and fit back into their old life as carefully as they can, all while their feelings threaten to bubble to the surface. Or: Sherlock picks up playing the guitar. John falls more and more in love with every passing day.

Home Is by glenien (E, 21,786 w., 2 Ch. || S4 Fix-It / Post S4, Eventual Happy Ending, Parentlock, Emotional Baggage, First Kiss, Domesticity, Fluff) – While 221B is still under construction, Sherlock stays with Rosie and John.

Here Comes The Sun by JennLynn77 (E, 32,126 w., 15 Ch. || Post S4/TFP, John Whump, Caring Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Emotional Sex, First Time, Virgin Sherlock, Switchlock, Cuddling/Snuggling, Surgery/Injury Recovery, Endearments, Anal, Hand Jobs, Porn with Feels) – John suffers an injury and needs surgery. Sherlock, and those around him, help John recover. Along the way, John and Sherlock realise what they mean to each other, and what they’ve had together all this time.

A Change of Heart by SosoHolmesWatson (E, 65,436 w., 20 Ch. || Post-S4 / Canon Compliant, Jealous Sherlock, Past Abuse, Parentlock, Dev. Rel., Idiots in Love, Suicidal Sherlock, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Mollstrade, Coming Out, Love Confessions, Big Brother Mycroft, John’s Childhood, POV Alternating, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Hand Jobs) – After all they have been through, after all the heartbreak and desolation, John and Sherlock want to make their way back to each other, still convinced that friendship is all that can exist between them. Will there be a change of heart? Part 1 of the The Pains of Growing series

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 115,279+ w., 33/38 Ch. || WiP || S4 Fix It Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending) – WORK IN PROGRESS – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Radioactive Trees In A Red Forest by Maribor_Petrichor (E, 280,251 w., 73 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-S4, Suicidal Ideations, Alcohol / Rx Drug Abuse, Coming Out / Bisexual John, Seizures, Past/Referenced/Implied Child Abuse, Hallucinations, Rehab, Celibacy, Sobriety / Relapse, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Psychological Trauma, Nice /Not Anti-Mary, John’s POV, Parentlock, First Time, Angst, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending) – John Watson is what happens when a man can no longer see a reason to go on. John Watson is what happens when a man starts to let go. “It is what it is.” John Watson is what happens when what “it is” becomes too much to bear. This is a story of the life, death, and resurrection of John Hamish Watson.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #tfp fics #s4 fics #my fic recs #Anonymous #e-rated fics #fic rec sunday

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yayninjabob · 4 years ago

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Author Commentary

Ramblings from Yay Ninja Bob about her monstrous creation~

Besides working on my fic, I personally try to journal every day, and I realized that a lot of my journaling has become me pretty much rambling about the process of writing this damn fic lol. So I thought I'd share some of that for those who may want to know more behind my chapters from my author's perspective.

It's certainly not everything I can say, but it is a lot haha..

Chapter 1 - Thirteen

Behind the title:

Well, when I first began writing VillainR, I hadn't planned on having chapter titles at all. Mainly because coming up with chapter titles (or titles for stories in general) has always been something I struggle with personally. Anywho after I decided I wanted to challenge myself with chapter titles, I went back and named chapter 1 "Thirteen." Why? Well, it is the PpG's thirteenth birthday, of course there is that. VillainR as a whole is many things, but one major thing is it is a coming of age story for Buttercup/Joey/Jojo, as well as a story of self-discovery. There's a few important ages I wanted to cover and 13 is around the age where many kids start to "develop" and being a super-powered kid, Buttercup finally begins to develop her own "special power" at this age. I wanted this "growing pain" to be the catalyst for the events of Part One. So, I gave the chapter the title of "Thirteen" to try to highlight the significance of that age for Buttercup. The self-discovery made at this age is that special power (although they are unaware of it at this point). It's considered an unlucky number, and as it turns out, it is an unlucky year for our main character.

During the writing process:

First draft was written on Halloween night 2019 and pretty much all of it was completely scrapped haha.

I started writing it in first person, like the original Villain, in Buttercup's POV. I kept the events but approached it again in third person and liked it so much better that way. One major thing I wanted to improve on with the rewrite was character development which is pretty hard to achieve when writing in a limited POV of a character who eventually loses sight of much around them. I debated briefly on maybe doing alternating POVs between Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, but then I felt like it would still exclude a lot for other major characters like Mojo and Princess. I could add them too but I thought alternating too many POVs would be overwhelmingly difficult (for me as the author for sure but I imagine for the reader too) Third person seemed to be the best way to handle everything and really my only challenge with that was tweaking the whole "unreliable narrator" trope which I will be honest is my favorite trope ever. It is a challenge to try to recreate the same effect in third person, but I decided that a close third person was the best way to 1) tell a broader story and 2) still set limits on the reader's perspective, and control when and how I drop information and attempt to recreate a similar experience in an entirely new way I've never tried before heh. (I guess I will spend more time on this on my notes for Chapter 6)

Second draft I scribbled out in another few days with this new approach. It began at the start of the carnival and ended where it ends. Simultaneously I was reworking my overall outline for the fic and began to narrow down all the characters I wanted to be my key players for this epic. Once my outline was expanded to include everyone, I added the scene with Mojo and Him. For me, that's when I was like "Ayyy it's all coming together 👍👍" haha.

Another thing I wanted to improve on was setting and world-building. So final draft I decided to include some "history" behind Townsville and that's when I worked out the final draft.

This chapter definitely had the most trial and error during the writing process than any other chapter other than 5 so far.

Inspirations:

Townsville world-building/history - much of it is inspired by the city I grew up in (for the most part) which is Los Angeles. I mean it has all the sort of settings we've seen in the show which are all pretty diverse right? Townville had to have a diverse cityscape ranging from a busy downtown setting to quite suburbs to upperclass mansions, beaches, an island, forests, etc. Well I knew LA had all that and so I tried to re-imagine Townsville as basically an alternate universe LA lol. Monster Isle, I based on research I did on Catalina Island. I imagined the Utonium household was in a middle class neighborhood like Pasadena- close to the heart of LA but still a relatively "calmer" part of the city. Morbucks Manor would be in the Hills like Beverly Hills. Downtown was the heart of the city like Downtown LA. I debated briefly whether or not to have the Gangreen Gang be from an area modeled after South Central or East LA, but eventually I went with East LA because TBH I am just more familiar with it since that's where my mom's side is from and where I grew up early on in life. PLUS East LA actually has a pretty big punk scene so that fit the story too with Ace being in a punk band and all that.

1998 PpG Show References:

"Oh my gosh they have giant Bunny-Bunny's at the prize tent!"

(Super Zeroes)

Pop Culture References:

(OK most of my pop culture refs are just punk references lets be honest lol. Why Punk?? - because it is rebellion and rebellion is the heart of this fic)

The Clash - OK in original Villain I established that this was Buttercup's favorite band so I HAD to have that back for the redux. Here's all the refs I crammed into chapter 1 lol:

"Oh, Man! It's so hard to choose, like, I love literally everything by them. But I gotta say it's a tie probably between their first album and London Calling."

"Hell yeah. Jimmy Jazz is my jam."

youtube

"You know, my band does a cover of White Riot," Ace continued to talk music with the teenager as he lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. He held the smoke in his lungs as he continued, "Only we call our version Green Riot."

youtube

Blondie:

The one artist Buttercup had introduced Robin to that she instantly obsessed over was Blondie.

(Some) Symbolism:

- Blossom is 5'9" and Buttercup is 5'8" - Buttercup is always falling one step behind Blossom.

- Bumper Car scene - has some foreshadowing and well...

Blossom sat behind the wheel of a red bumper car at the opposite end of the metal floored rink. Buttercup crossed her arms in protest, "No way. I'm driving." she demanded.

Blossom also crossed her arms from where she sat behind the metal wheel. "So you can just rampage and crash into everybody here? No way." She fastened her seat belt with a quick snap and placed her hands firmly on the steering wheel again.

"Ugh. That's the whole point of bumper cars! It's to bump the other cars! You're supposed to try and bump everyone before the times up!"

"You always take it too far, Buttercup. I'm driving, so get in." The redhead grasped the steering wheel in her hands firmly, and refused to move.

And...

"You drive like an old lady," Buttercup shook her head in disbelief as her sister managed to avoid yet another collision.

"Well, that's your opinion," she shrugged off the insult, "Personally, I think it takes just as much skill to avoid every single car in here, as it does to hit every single car," she smiled at her sister.

And finally a brief allusion to the OG Villain lol...

"Blossom!" Buttercup shouted louder so she could get her sister's attention. She pointed at the fast approaching purple car that zoomed towards them from their right side. Behind the wheel of that car was Bubbles who wore a rather determined look on her face as Robin cheered for her.

Blossom saw, but by then it was too late. Bubbles and Robin's car slammed into Buttercup and Blossom's car at full force, spinning Buttercup and Blossom's car into the wall of the arena. The loud buzz which signified the end of the ride then sounded.

- the roller coaster is Buttercup's ideal carnival attraction; it's got the thrills, twists, turns, ups and downs. And makes Bubbles sick.

- the Ferris Wheel is Blossom's ideal carnival attraction; it's a staple of any fair, grand and big, overlooks everything, and traditionally romantic

YNB's favorite scene:

Personally, I loved writing the whole exchange between Buttercup and Blossom in the car. Establishing their rivalry, Buttercup's jealousy over Blossom's special power and heroism, Blossom's projection of her own insecurities, their differences, and their commonality.

Final thoughts on the chapter:

I was pretty satisfied with how it turned out but I did wait to post it until I had a decent headstart on chapter 2. I was pretty nervous about whether or not I could stay personally committed to writing this fic so I just wanted to make sure I was really feeling it first, lol. It had been so long since I'd written fanfic so I just needed to be sure.

When I outlined everything I estimated the chapter length to be around 6-7k words... And I was surprised that it was double that at about 12k. Which was wild because on my outline each opening chapter for Part 1, 2 and 3 were supposed to be shorter and more like preludes to everything else. Well, I guess they ARE shorter chapters but STILL definitely longer than any chapter I used to write for my multichaptered stories. At the time I thought "Ok obviously my writing has changed but surely I wont go much longer than 12k for future chapters...." Hurr hurr.

Personally, I was pretty proud of myself for spending so much time on it and rewriting it over and over and all that. In the past, TBH whatever was my first draft was pretty much also my last draft haha. I cranked out a chapter in one sitting usually and edited it mayyyybeee lol. I just wanted to get it posted so I could move on and get to that next point in the story. But I suppose now that I'm older and a bit more self aware, I realize a lot of my own anxieties manifest a lot in my writing though and I can recognize it in my old works like the OG Villain where I JUST WANNA GET TO WHAT I WANT TO WRITE RIGHT NOW OK?? I forced myself to slow the hell down this time, take it one scene at a time, and when things felt off I took breaks, slept on it for a few days and came back with new approaches or ideas. And so far that's how I continue to work on it.

Also, CHVRCHES. I listened to a ton of that band while working on this chapter especially.

#villainr #ppg fanfic #yayninjabob #behindthescenes #writing process #chapter 1 #let me know if you guys like this kinda stuff and I'll continue for the other chapters #commentary #author stuff

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two-are-the-trees · 5 years ago

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31 Days of Poe Day 15: “William Wilson”

“William Wilson” explores one of the oldest gothic literary trends and one of the deepest and most twisted anxieties in all of humanity: the uncanny fear of oneself. Yes, Poe’s story of the mysterious case of doubling tackles what it means to come face to face with an enemy that looks, talks, thinks, and behaves as you do. This story is filled with eerie imagery and unnerving anticipation as the narrator, like us readers, cannot understand how this doppleganger can exist and, more importantly, what his sinister motivations may be.

The story follows a character who calls himself “William Wilson” as he is too ashamed to reveal his true name. He relates the story of his childhood at a boarding school and how he first met the other William Wilson, a boy with the same name as him. As he gets to know this boy, he realizes how similar they are and develops an immediate sense of suspicion and competitiveness. It seems that no one else can see how uncanny it is that these two boys share so many similarities, including a birthday, but the narrator is increasingly vexed by it. He eventually leaves the school in order to be rid of his double and quickly indulges in a life of pleasure and sin. Despite his efforts, however, his double always seems to find him, causing him more trouble and grief until the narrator feels he must rid himself of the other William Wilson for good.

Throughout the story, Poe focuses on the confusion, fear, and growing frustration of the narrator whenever he encounters the other William Wilson. The relationship he builds between the two is something akin to sibling rivalry; the narrator always feels that Wilson is purposefully making a mockery of him by trying to be exactly like him and fears that he will soon excel and become the better William Wilson. It’s a strikingly relatable reaction. One might think that two people who are so similar would get along perfectly, but in actuality, meeting someone almost indistinguishable from oneself would be quite disturbing and unsettling. It plays on our sense of identity and individualism and, in the narrator’s case, a sense of pride, as he fears that Wilson will only misrepresent him if other people mistake him for the narrator.

Would I recommend “William Wilson”? Definitely; I think this is a wonderful example of a classic gothic tradition updated for the nineteenth century. Poe enhances the creepiness of the concept and leaves much of the other Wilson’s motivations a secret, which makes him an even more unnerving entity as the narrator can never figure out what he will do next. There is a moral aspect to the story as well that can be unpacked in a number of interesting ways and reveals Poe’s rather poetic way with imagery and metaphor.

For more analysis (which contains spoilers!!!) please read below the cut!

There are a few different ways to interpret “William Wilson” and, of course, it’s dramatic conclusion. From what the other Wilson reveals in the end, it’s clear that he represents some aspect of Wilson himself; when the narrator stabs his double, he sees a reflection of himself in a mirror with the same stab wound, as the other Wilson tells him that he has murdered himself. The question is, though, what aspect of the narrator is being represented? The clearest answer is that other Wilson simply represents the narrator as a whole, physically, spiritually, and socially. Throughout the story, it’s clear that the other Wilson never actually does anything bad to the narrator; all of the trouble that the narrator encounters throughout the story is of his own doing. He drinks excessively, he leaves school, he spends too much money, he cheats and lies, and he makes himself an outcast in society. The only thing other Wilson does is reveal these flaws to others, like when he tells the party that the narrator is cheating at cards. Through all of these vices, the narrator is actually the one harming himself, as he is putting himself in these sinful situations. This is merely represented visually by his attempt to stab other Wilson and his vision of himself with the same stab wound. He has murdered his own health, livelihood, and social standing with his thoughtless actions.

More in-depth interpretations also see other Wilson as a representation of the narrator’s soul or his conscience, and there is a good amount of evidence for this as well. After the narrator leaves school, other Wilson seems to only appear when the narrator is committing a sin of some kind, like when he cheats at gambling or when he plans to seduce another man’s wife. The narrator’s constant desire to flee from his double would indicate that he seeks to escape his own morality and live without responsibility. In the end then, his bloody image represents his own murdered soul, tainted with his constant sin.

Still, others might try a more psychological approach. Perhaps the narrator’s hatred of the doppelganger represents some twisted hatred of himself. He is immediately insecure and suspicious upon meeting other Wilson and only becomes more and more agitated the more similar they appear to be. Other Wilson also seems to show up only to provide a sense of shame and anger to the narrator, as he is forced to analyze the depravity of his own actions. He runs from other Wilson in order to forget about his self-loathing, but it is made clear to him when he stabs his double and sees himself in his place. Hatred of oneself is extremely common and it can lead to many of the self-destructive actions that the narrator turns to, like excessive drinking and risky behaviors. Any way you slice it, Poe’s elegant imagery throughout the tale represents and provokes strange and complicated emotions and calls into question the nebulous way in which one views themself.

So, what did y’all think? Do you think other Wilson had some other motivation? Can the narrator come back from essentially “murdering” himself? What do you think the double represents? If you’d like to share, please comment on this post or send me an ask! You can also use the tag #31daysofpoe to write your own response post!

#31daysofpoe #edgar allan poe #gothic literature #gothic #halloween

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miguel-manbemel · 6 years ago

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Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 10: Getting to Know Wrath: Roman’s Dream Factory

Here comes the 10th entry of the “Aspects & Fanfics” blog, based on “Sanders Sides” by Thomas Sanders & Joan. Who would have thought this would have gone so fast, but this is the 10th episode already. Lately I’ve slowed down in the frequency, though, as entries have been longer lately, and I’m still having technical issues with my PC that I hope to get solved soon. Next week is going to be a busy one for me, so I expect the next entry to get a little delayed too, I hope not too much, however. As always, thank you to each and anyone reading, and I hope this new entry, in which I’m trying new things, is enjoyable. You can read all the previous entries here, I recommend it since this entry makes references to previous entries, including original characters and situations. Remember that this is a forked AU, which means it follows the canon and story of the original “Sanders Sides” up to “Embarrasing Phases”, and from then it goes on independently. And that’s it, enjoy.

SYNOPSIS: Thomas is angry because he has just seen his ex with another guy and that has hurt him, not because he wants him back, but because he feels left behind and unable to find love again. When the only suggestion Wrath can give them is to find something positive to think about, Roman has the idea of taking them to his Dream Factory, the place where he makes Thomas’ dreams, where dream scenarios look completely real, to create positive scenarios inside there that can help Thomas get his anger behind. But it’s one failure after the other when Thomas’ wrath overcomes him and corrupts the scenario each and every time.

WARNINGS: There are going to be dark references along the episodes, including references to past episodes of physical mistreatment to some characters. Character Thomas is going to go through a lot of angst in this episode, there’s a new return to his broken relationship, and he’s going to show a verbally violent attitute in the first part of the story, including insults and bad words (conveniently “bleeped”) against the Sides. The end card will feature a horrible nightmare by Thomas that will further explorer some episodes narrated at the beginning. I tried to introduce cute and heartwarming scenes to compensate these moments, though.

EPISODE INDEX

THOMAS: Okay, all ready to go buy these props for the next project… After so many tries to get them and not finding them, I swear for the thing I love most in this world that I’m not returning to this apartment until I get them all!

[Thomas goes out. There’s a wait of 10 seconds, and he returns]

THOMAS: [chill voice] Forgot my car keys… and my wallet… Still need to find my memory that is forcing me to throw to the trash can the thing I love most, my “Kingdom Hearts” video-games… [he goes out again]

[intro sequence]

[Thomas enters the apartment with an angry face and slams the door behind him. Then, he throws his things furiously to the counter and initially goes to the couch but notices the camera and stands in his spot]

THOMAS: [angrily] What is up, everybody? Yes, I can hear you all wondering what is up with me. Well, you may or may not be interested in hearing about that, but I’m gonna talk about it anyway, who’s gonna have the f… [bleep] guts to stop me!?

PATTON: [rising up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s going on with your language, mister?

THOMAS: Patton, I’m not in the mood for a lecture, right now! So please leave me alone!

HONESTY: [rising up] Okay, I always support being honest, but that was just unnecessary.

THOMAS: And the reason I should care about that bulls… [bleep] is…?

LOGAN: [rising up] Thomas, control yourself! You’re in front of the camera and there are kids watching you!

THOMAS: [yelling] I DON’T CARE WHO’S WATCHING! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE! GOT IT, TEACH!? SO SHUT THE F… [bleep] UP!!

[Thomas points at Logan and he covers his mouth. Deceit appears]

DECEIT: I’m sorry, Logan, Thomas is in charge and he’s forcing me to silence you.

VIRGIL: [appearing] Thomas, calm down! There’s no need to be so rude!

THOMAS: [yelling angry and frustrated] My goodness gracious, you too? Can’t I vent like a normal person without suffering the attack of the clones!? Why me!? Why did it have to be me who suffers this curse of having to bear all of you!? Why can’t you all just leave me alone for good, you BOTHERSOME FREAKS!

[Thomas gets silent, breathing fast with a face of despair and anger. Virgil and Logan look at Thomas in shock, Logan still with his hand on his mouth. Deceit and Honesty look at Thomas with a horrified face. Patton looks at Thomas with a mixed face of sadness, shock and disappointment]

PATTON: [voice of deep sadness] Thomas… Is that what you really think about us? That we are freaks and a curse for you? Do you really want us out of your life… for good?

THOMAS: [suddenly realizing what he has said, with a face of horror and voice of remorse] Oh… my goodness gracious… What did I say? I… I’m so sorry, Patton. I’m so sorry, you guys… I… I… I hope you know I didn’t mean what I said.

[Logan takes his hand off his mouth, but he still doesn’t say a word]

PATTON: [same sad voice] Yes, I know you didn’t mean what you said, but you said it anyway, and the pain it has caused is very real.

THOMAS: I have no excuse… I apologize for my behavior, I promise I won’t do it again. Will you please forgive me, all of you?

PATTON: [after a little pause, he lets go a little sad smile] That’s what friends do, right? They forgive each other’s mistakes. What I wonder is, what could have happened to you to make you lose your mind to the point of hurting us like that?

ROMAN: [rising up, in a mood as sad as Patton’s] I’ve got the answer for that, Patton. Thomas is hating himself, and in the process, he’s hating us, because we are himself.

PATTON: But why?

THOMAS: Well, I was at the store, getting some props for a future project that Joan and I are working on, when… I saw him.

PATTON: Him?

ROMAN: Thomas’ ex-boyfriend, Patton.

PATTON: So? I thought that we had already moved forward from him.

ROMAN: I thought so too, but… when Thomas saw him… he wasn’t alone, and that… hurt him… and me, his romantic Side.

PATTON: Oh…

THOMAS: It’s not that I feel jealous, at least romantically, or that I want him back or anything. It’s just that… I suddenly realized that he’s managed to move on. He’s managed to find another one to replace me, and… I felt like… left behind. I know it’s stupid that I feel this way, but I felt again what I felt on the first months after the break-up, thinking that I would never get to find another one like him again. And I hate myself for feeling like that. I hate my insecurity which doesn’t let me step up my game and take the initiative on my quest for… the right one.

VIRGIL: [a little offended] Well, I’m sorry I had it rough and I’m sorry I’m not enough, Thomas.

THOMAS: No, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t blaming you, Virgil. I know that you, as my anxiety, have no choice other than making me feel anxious about it. The problem is in me, because I’m not strong enough to cope with that, which makes me mad at myself. And I’m sorry I vented my frustration on you, guys. You didn’t deserve anything I said, at all.

LOGAN: Well, Thomas, now that you let me speak…

THOMAS: Sorry about that too, Logan. When someone gets mad like I did, they don’t let logical thinking speak out, and I guess that’s what happened with me and you.

LOGAN: [pulls out a vocab card] It’s water under the bridge, Thomas. As I was saying, now that you let me speak, the problem here seems that you had an outburst of anger, right?

THOMAS: Right…

LOGAN: And who is in control of anger in the Mind Palace?

DECEIT: Wrath. And I know what you’re going to suggest, Logan, that we should summon him or go to see him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea yet, you guys.

THOMAS: Well, sooner or later he had to make an appearance, Deceit. And if there are issues in his department, he must be held accountable for them like any other Side, isn’t he? I don’t want to force him to be a friend of us if he doesn’t want to, but at least he should have the basic interactions with us regarding his job. I don’t think I’m asking for something so difficult.

DECEIT: Well, you’re in charge, Thomas. [worried face and voice] I’m so calm about this…

THOMAS: I hope he’s not in autopilot this time. If he is, I swear I’m going to the Dark Realm itself to get him here. Wrath! Wrath can you hear me? I demand you to come here right now!

[Wrath appears in his spot. He shows a shy and nervous attitude, with his arms covering his chest, and almost shaking from head to toe]

DECEIT: [mumbles, looking at Wrath with a worried face] Uh-oh…

THOMAS: There you are. Can you explain what has happened right now?

WRATH: [stutters with a face of horror] I… I…

THOMAS: [angry] Don’t stay there like a dummy! [yelling] Say something!

[Wrath shows a face of intense horror and then faints]

THOMAS: [scared] Oh, my goodness!

DECEIT: [running to him] I knew this was gonna happen! [kneels down on him and tries to fan some air onto him] Wrath? Wrath, are you okay? [angry] Thomas, you shouldn’t have been so harsh on him. Don’t you know he’s really scared of social interaction?

THOMAS: No, as a matter of fact, I don’t. He didn’t look scared at all the last time he showed up here.

DECEIT: The last time he was still a servant of the Dark Master. Since then, he’s been all alone and isolated in the Dark Realm, too afraid to make an appearance because he feared what has happened right now. But I didn’t expect that you’d get so harsh on him on first view. What’s wrong with you, Thomas? You’re not being yourself today!

THOMAS: I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I guess I… jumped to conclusions about his character.

DECEIT: Well, I hope that when he wakes up you treat him with a little more tact. Do you think you can do it? Cause he’s my friend and I don’t want him to suffer.

THOMAS: Yes, yes. I’m so sorry. And you’re right, I’m not being myself today. I don’t know why…

[Wrath starts showing signs of life]

WRATH: [mumbling] Sorry… my lord. I’m a piece of junk and I don’t deserve to exist… Please don’t use your whip on me again…

THOMAS: My goodness… He must have had a horrible life while the Dark Master was there…

DECEIT: We all had, Thomas, you’ll never get an idea. Not even if you could see the scars on my back…

ROMAN: [horrified] Oh, my God…

VIRGIL: I can relate to that too…

PATTON: [sad emotional] Oh, my poor, not so little boy…

DECEIT: Yes, Virgil, but you were lucky you could escape to the Light Realm as early as you did. It became a lot worse after you left. The Dark Master wanted to make sure that no one would follow your footsteps if and when we had the chance. And he didn’t care that, until Thomas heightened us for some reason, if that was ever going to happen, we were trapped in the Dark Realm with no possible escape from him. In time, he had nullified us so much we just resigned to do his evil will, and even did it with joy. So brainwashed we were that we thought everything he did to us was normal, deserved and fair, even that it was for our own benefit and we should be thankful to him. [chuckles ironically] We were such a bunch of fools…

THOMAS: Thank God that’s over.

DECEIT: At least for the time being… [to Wrath, noticing he’s waking up] Wrath. Wake up, buddy.

WRATH: [regains full consciousness] What has happened…? [notices Thomas is there and starts shaking in horror]

DECEIT: [soft voice, holding his shoulders] Calm down, my friend. Calm down. It’s okay. He’s not gonna hurt you.

THOMAS: I’m so sorry, Wrath. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. Could we start again, please, and do as if nothing had happened?

WRATH: Yes, my lord, if you want me to, my lord…

THOMAS: What?

[Wrath gets up with Deceit’s help, who then goes back to his spot]

WRATH: It won’t happen again, my lord. Please, don’t hurt me.

THOMAS: I’m not going to hurt you, Wrath, what are you talking about?

DECEIT: Wrath, you remember that this is not the Dark Master you’re talking to, right?

WRATH: [realizing] Oh, I guess so… It’s just that… for a moment you looked so much like him…

DECEIT: Well, of course he looks like him, the Dark Master was Thomas’ doppelganger.

WRATH: I mean in the attitude. I wasn’t sure if it was Thomas or… him.

THOMAS: Oh, my gosh… Have I really been so horribly harsh? I’m terribly sorry, Wrath. It never was, and will never be, my intention to hurt you. You’re safe here with us, you have nothing to be afraid of while you’re with us. It’s just that, today, I can’t control my anger, and I don’t know why. And that’s exactly why I called you, to see if you, my wrath, could give me some answers about it.

WRATH: Well, typically I’m triggered when you experience things that upset you for some reason. Is there anything that has bothered you recently?

THOMAS: Well, yes.

WRATH: The strongest that feeling is, the strongest I’m triggered, and the strongest your anger will be. If possible, you must solve whatever has bothered you and calm yourself before I can get calmed down.

LOGAN: Well, to know that we wouldn’t have needed to call you in the first place…

WRATH: Sorry I cannot be of more help, Logan, but that’s how it is. My advice is that you get positive thinking, imagine happy thoughts and distract yourself from whatever is hurting you.

THOMAS: Well, Roman, Patton, I guess it’s your turn then. You’re in control of my happy thoughts and my imagination. You’ll have to work as a team so that we can get out of this loop.

PATTON: You can say that a…

ROMAN: [annoyed] Stop it, Patton!

PATTON: Sorry…

ROMAN: Okay. I think I know what you need so you can think about something else. You need an evasion from the real world.

LOGAN: [concerned] What?

ROMAN: We’re going to my special playground in the Mind Palace, where I like to test some of my ideas when they’re in the beta phase.

HONESTY: I don’t like the sound of this…

ROMAN: [ignoring him] Let’s all go to Roman’s Dream Factory!

[Roman snaps his fingers, and they all appear in a huge room that is completely empty, with no kind of furniture, decoration… Only stone walls made of perfect square gray ashlars in all directions]

THOMAS: Um… where are we?

ROMAN: I told you, Thomas, this is Roman’s Dream Factory. Here is where I test your ideas and dreams before I release them in your mind so that you can pursue them.

VIRGIL: [checking around] No windows, no doors, no lamps, even though this is illuminated by I don’t know what… This looks more like a crypt than a factory… [grins] I like it.

ROMAN: Well, it wouldn’t be safe to let uncontrolled unfinished dreams to get away out of control. This is like… some sort of… bubble where they can’t escape till they’re tested.

VIRGIL: What would happen if they got away unfinished or faulty?

ROMAN: Oh, that has never happened… except when Thomas is sleeping. Then the walls get weak and some of them slip out between the ashlars. Then they wander around the Mind Palace until they’re caught by the dream vacuum cleaners in Thomas’ mind. That’s when you, Thomas, start having weird illogical dreams that don’t make any sense. As all of this happens while you’re asleep, there’s no possible damage for you or us. If they got away when you’re awake… who knows? You could go from having the most unexpected nonsensical random ideas to full fledged, sometimes horrifying, hallucinations.

VIRGIL: [concerned] What?

ROMAN: Like I said, that has never happened, Texas Chain-Fear Massacre. The ashlars on the walls are not ordinary stones. They’re made of the material that separates Thomas’ notion of reality from Thomas’ notion of fantasy. Thomas is a grounded, healthy person, so the walls are extra strong on him.

VIRGIL: What isn’t extra in your department?

ROMAN: It would take some sort of… issues to make these walls weak and breakable, which is not the case with Thomas, so don’t worry, anyone. I mean, my factory has existed for 30 years now, and I don’t think you have ever had any problem, did you?

THOMAS: Okay, so we’re here. What are we supposed to do here?

ROMAN: Just what Wrath suggested. I’m going to create pocket dream scenarios from scratch based on Patton’s happy thoughts so that we can cheer you up.

THOMAS: Why here? Why not in any other ordinary room in the Mind Palace?

ROMAN: Because here dream scenarios look and feel more realistic than on the rest of the Mind Palace, Thomas. It will feel as if you were living them in real life.

THOMAS: Is it safe? I mean, they’re untested if they’re here, so what could they do to us?

ROMAN: Oh, Thomas, you should have more faith in me. I’m gonna make sure that nothing weird comes out of me that could hurt you in any way.

VIRGIL: Well, if you could always have full control of what you create from scratch, you wouldn’t need this isolated Dream Factory in the first place, so it’s natural that Thomas is feeling me right now.

ROMAN: I’ll say it again, don’t worry. If anything goes wrong, we could always go back to the living room.

[A pedestal with a red button on top appears next to Thomas]

ROMAN: If you ever feel threatened or endangered for the tiniest reason, Thomas, just push the red button and… boop! We’ll be back. No questions and no reproaches, I give you my royal word.

THOMAS: Why is there a turtle drawn on the pedestal and on the button?

ROMAN: I don’t know, I just liked it.

PATTON: [squealing] That’s cute!

HONESTY: I don’t like this for some reason…

ROMAN: [ignoring him] Okay, Patton. Things that are heartwarming for Thomas.

PATTON: [happy voice] Puppies!

ROMAN: Okay. That one’s easy.

[Roman rises his arms. The room around them changes. Walls emerge from the ground and cover the ashlars. Doors and windows appear and a couch next to Thomas and the button, to conform an office around Thomas, who sits down on the couch]

THOMAS: Okay…

ROMAN: [smiling] Three… two… one… go!

[tiny little barks are heard from the door and a huge stream of puppies of all races emerges from it and goes straight to Thomas]

THOMAS: [happy voice] Oh, my gosh! So many puppies!

LOGAN: [in shock] This cuteness is hard to process…

VIRGIL: [grabs one of the puppies next to his cheek and it starts licking his eye-shadow] This is better than Halloween…

THOMAS: I’m so happy… but…

ROMAN: But?

[The room suddenly goes a little dark and the puppies disappear]

VIRGIL: Hey! Where did my tiny makeup eater go!?

[Suddenly from the door a huge wolf appears. It threateningly growls at Thomas]

THOMAS: [scared] What is going on?

WRATH: You’re not letting go of your anger Thomas! It has corrupted the dream scenario and concentrated to turn the puppies into that wolf!

[The wolf gets ready to jump onto Thomas]

THOMAS: [whining] Roman? Do something!

ROMAN: I’m trying, but I can’t unsummon it! It’s too full of Wrath’s energy, I have no control over it!

THOMAS: Wrath!

WRATH: I can’t Thomas! I can’t help it!

[before the wolf jumps, Virgil transforms into his panther form and lets go a loud growl. The wolf then gets scared and fades away]

THOMAS: Thank you, Virgil, you saved me!

VIRGIL: [transforming back to his emo form] You’re welcome. My mission is to protect you and I’m not going to back up on the only thing I can do good.

PATTON: Virgil, you do a lot of things good, don’t make me…

VIRGIL: …physically fight you, I know. Sorry, Dad.

THOMAS: Okay, this didn’t come out right.

ROMAN: It would have if you tried to concentrate to fix it, Thomas.

THOMAS: I’m sorry. That feeling’s overwhelmingly strong.

HONESTY: May I…

ROMAN: [interrupting and ignoring him] Okay, let’s try something different. Patton, give me another heartwarming thing for Thomas.

PATTON: Let’s see…

ROMAN: And no cats, Patton, Thomas is allergic.

PATTON: [disappointed] Awww! Okay, then… Something that makes Thomas happy… Broadway!

ROMAN: Of course! And that’s my department too! [rises his arms] Okay, changing scenario to a proper scenario…

[The office scenario disappears and is replaced by a stage scenario. There’s a huge crowd in the audience, and Thomas is suddenly dressed as Sweeney Todd, in the middle of the scenery, next to the red button. Roman is backstage on the left wing, with Wrath, Patton and Virgil, while the rest of the Sides are on the right wing watching in silence]

THOMAS: [whispering to Roman] What is happening?

ROMAN: [loud whispering] Thomas! You know this show by heart! Sing!

THOMAS: I didn’t rehearse anything!

ROMAN: [frustrated] For Patti Lupone and Ethel Merman’s sake, just sing!

THOMAS: [music starts and he starts singing] These are my friends… See how they glisten… See this one shine…

ROMAN: [to Wrath] Great, I’m sure he’s feeling happy now. There’s nothing that makes Thomas feel more alive than stage performance, right?

WRATH: However, I’m not sure if you have chosen the right musical for him to perform right now.

ROMAN: Why? It’s Sweeney Todd, one of Thomas’ dream roles.

WRATH: Yes, but have you forgotten what kind of character Sweeney Todd is? I can already feel myself heightening to help him to perform!

THOMAS: [singing with a face of anger] …My frieeend! My faithful frieeend!

ROMAN: Uh-oh… Didn’t think about that…

WRATH: It’s like that other character from that Shakespearean play, that Scottish king that also wanted to kill his enemies, what was his name? Oh, yes…

ROMAN: [in panic] Don’t say…!

WRATH: …Macbeth.

ROMAN: [horrified] Oh, no!

[the audience starts booing at Thomas and throwing tomatoes at him]

WRATH: Oh, no! The anger has corrupted the dream scenario again! It is pouring into the audience and they’re turning against Thomas!

ROMAN: [desperate] The show is cursed, he mentioned the Scottish Play inside the theater! Curtains! Curtains!

VIRGIL: Okay, time for Virgil to save the show again… Lucky that I’m an expert techie now…

[Virgil runs to the ropes and lowers the curtains down. When he does, the audience noises disappear]

THOMAS: Is this a dream tester or a nightmare tester, Roman?

ROMAN: I’m sorry, Thomas. Wrath gave it the coup de grace with the Scottish Play, but I guess I should have chosen something more relaxing instead, like… “The Sound of Music.”

WRATH: Don’t you dare! Anything but that!

ROMAN: You don’t like “The Sound of Music”?

WRATH: I just don’t want the cute Von Trapp kids to be turned by accident into the children of the corn, that’s all!

THOMAS: I’m starting to be tempted into pushing that button…

ROMAN: Let’s not give up yet, Thomas. There has to be some way to defeat your anger and make you feel better!

HONESTY: Well if I…

ROMAN: [ignoring him] Patton, please, think of something good! Something that couldn’t possibly fail!

PATTON: Let’s see… This is getting difficult… Um… I think I know. What has always been Thomas’ source of constancy and tranquility? [looking at Virgil with a sweet loving voice] I’m sure my Emo Sweet Dream knows the answer to this one.

VIRGIL: You mean…?

PATTON: Yes, I mean his friends! They’re probably his biggest source of happiness in his life.

ROMAN: You’re a genius, Patton! Of course! If that fails too, I don’t know what else could work! Okay. Moving to a friendly scenario… [rises his arms] Please, Bob Ross who art in heaven… lend me a hand on this one…

[The theater disappears and is replaced by an exterior setting in a park. There is a picnic. There are Joan, Talyn, Adri, Camden, Foti, Jamahl and Derionna, all sat down in the grass around a tablecloth with food on it. Thomas is again dressed as himself]

JOAN: Come on, buddy, sit down with us!

CAMDEN: Yeah, what took you so long? Join us, the food is delicious!

THOMAS: I’m glad to hear it, guys.

ROMAN: [watching from a distance] This cannot fail. There’s nothing stronger than Thomas’ love for his friends, it could overcome anything!

WRATH: I don’t know… Friendship is strong, but unfortunately hatred can be strong too, and Thomas’ hatred against himself is the cause of all of this…

ROMAN: [annoyed] Don’t jinx it again!

[Suddenly the sky gets cloudy and a storm is heard]

THOMAS: Oh, what a shame… It looks it’s gonna rain…

JOAN: [frowning] Well, I don’t care at all. This was being boring anyway.

THOMAS: …what?

TALYN: Yeah, it got boring when you came in. You spoiled everything!

JAMAHL: Yeah, as usual!

ROMAN: Not again… not again… not again…

THOMAS: Guys, what are you saying?

CAMDEN: We’re saying that we’re tired of you using us to rise up to fame, that’s what we’re saying! We’re talented enough to be successful in art without your constant direction!

THOMAS: I never meant…

JAMAHL: I’m getting out of here. And don’t bother calling us again, Thomas! From now on we’re going solo, and you’re not welcome in our path to glory!

[They all get up and leave Thomas where he is, with the most broken face he has ever shown in his life]

THOMAS: Guys… please… don’t leave me… I love you… I’m helpless without you, please…

[his friends ignore them. After they get away from the picnic, they disappear. The Sides gather around Thomas, all with sad faces]

ROMAN: [defeated voice] I’m sorry, Thomas. I’m so, so, sorry… This has been a huge fiasco…

THOMAS: [hurt voice] It has. Not only this dang room hasn’t helped me feel better. It has made me feel even worse than before, and I didn’t think it was possible.

WRATH: If it serves as a consolation, the things your friends said, they would never feel or say them like that. They’re all fruit of your anger corrupting the dream scenario and they’re rather things that once or twice you have thought about yourself, even unconsciously, which have been expressed through them.

THOMAS: Yes, but hearing it all through them… It has been hurtful. And this cursed place made them feel so real it only worsened the pain.

ROMAN: As I said, I won’t question you if you press the red button now, Thomas.

THOMAS: [reaching out his hand to the red button] Of course I will, I’m not staying in this place any longer…

HONESTY: [yelling, before Thomas can press the button] Wait!

THOMAS: What, Honesty?

HONESTY: Can I speak now, Thomas? Or is Roman going to interrupt me again like before?

ROMAN: I did? Sorry, I didn’t notice…

THOMAS: Go ahead, Honesty, say what you need to say.

HONESTY: Okay. You all have been making a huge mistake while handling the situation.

ROMAN: Mistake?

HONESTY: You’re all looking for ways to make Thomas evade from the problem. But that won’t make the problem disappear. It will remain there, haunting Thomas, wherever he goes and whatever he does. It’s useless.

LOGAN: I think we had already agreed on that point, Hon.

HONESTY: However, there is a way to start fixing the situation.

VIRGIL: What is it?

HONESTY: If evading the problem is not working, Thomas, confront the problem, face to face. Be honest with yourself and attack the root of the issue. It’s the only way to start healing your soul.

ROMAN: So what do you propose?

HONESTY: I propose that instead of creating imaginary scenarios in your Factory, Roman, we create a replica of the scene that Thomas has just lived in the store, but instead of Thomas holding his anger and running away, he must speak to him, tell him what he feels and let go of everything he’s been holding back. It’s the only thing that will make him feel better for real.

THOMAS: I think… it might work… but it’s not gonna be pleasant.

HONESTY: You have the advantage that this is not reality, but looks so much like reality you won’t tell the difference in terms of venting, all without making any difference in your real life. So you can keep acting in front of him as if this would have never happened, cause for him it won’t have ever happened.

ROMAN: It’s worth a try. Are you ready, Thomas?

THOMAS: As ready as I’ll ever be, Roman.

ROMAN: Okay. [rises his arms] Dream Factory, one last struggle, don’t fail me this time.

[the park scenario disappears and is replaced by a store. Thomas’ ex is there, his new mate is far away from them looking for something on some shelves. Thomas sighs and approaches his ex, who looks at him surprised]

THOMAS’ EX: Oh, Thomas. How are you doing? It’s been ages.

THOMAS: Yeah, it’s been. [looking at his ex’s mate] Looks you’re doing okay.

THOMAS’ EX: Oh, yes. His name is Steve. We’ve been dating for half a year or so.

THOMAS: I’m glad for you.

THOMAS’ EX: Thank you. What about you?

THOMAS: Oh… well… I haven’t been so lucky, unfortunately. Took me a while to… get over you.

THOMAS’ EX: I’m sorry to hear that.

THOMAS’: But I’m not giving up. Even though it hurts to be alone. Even though the thought that maybe…

ROMAN: [from the door] Keep going!

THOMAS: …that maybe I will never find someone like you again, it hurts.

THOMAS’ EX: Thomas…

THOMAS: No, please, let me speak, because this has been killing me for the past two years. I have cried a lot over you. I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you for anything. If anything, we both would be guilty that our relationship didn’t work, but still, the aftermath was torturing. You were my first love and losing your first love hurts more than losing any other subsequent loves, or so I heard, as I’m yet to experiment another love as strong as the one we had. I haven’t been wasting time, I’ve met a couple of people that made my stomach feel full of butterflies again… at least for some time, but it never went any further. I just wanted to tell you that I finally went over you and that I’m still struggling to find someone like you, but that I will not stop, and I will never give up till I can say that I’m sharing my life with someone I love and who loves me, just like you did.

THOMAS’ EX: That would make me happy, Thomas. I couldn’t love you the way that I loved you on the first years of our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you as a friend. It would make me happy that you could have love in your life, you deserve it. But you’re making a mistake. You mustn’t try to find someone like me. I’m just an ordinary man and each man you find will be his own man. No one will ever be like me. Some may be similar, some may be worse, and certainly some will be better. Just look for somebody to love and don’t make any comparisons, because each love experience will be totally different from the previous one, and each will be unique in its own way. You’ll find the love you want someday, and in the mean time, don’t get too stressed over it. It will come when you least expect it. You’ll see.

THOMAS: I hope so. And I also wish you the best in your new relationship. It would make me happy too to know that you’re happy.

THOMAS’ EX: Thank you, Thomas. Now, I gotta go. We’ve got a lot to buy yet. Good bye.

THOMAS: Good bye.

[Thomas’ ex reunites with his mate and disappear behind an aisle of the store. Then the store disappears and they’re back to the ashlars room. The Sides gather around Thomas in their positions]

PATTON: Thomas, I’m so proud of you right now, you wouldn’t get an idea.

THOMAS: Thank you Patton. And I’m feeling so relieved. Venting all that I had inside has made all my bad feelings fade away completely. I feel so great right now. Thank you, Honesty. You were right all the time.

HONESTY: I’m glad I could be of help, gentleman.

THOMAS: And I also want thank you two, Roman and Patton. You gave your best and if it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t have found the solution in the first place.

ROMAN: I’m glad that my room could be useful in the end, even after all the struggling.

THOMAS: Well, now it’s the time to push the button, don’t you think?

ROMAN: Yes, I agree. Let’s get out of here.

[Thomas pushes the button. There’s a red flash and Thomas and the Sides appear in the living room]

LOGAN: Well, that was a swift trip.

WRATH: Yes, it was. Roman?

ROMAN: Yes?

WRATH: I don’t want to go without apologizing to you.

ROMAN: About what?

WRATH: I was harsh with all of you, but especially with you, Roman. I shouldn’t have called you “shoddy pompous prince”. That was rude and mean, and I’m really sorry.

ROMAN: It’s okay, Wrath. It’s… [looking at Logan] water under the bridge.

LOGAN: Correct.

PATTON: And I’m sorry I slapped you, kiddo. Violence should never be the answer.

WRATH: Don’t worry about it, Patton. I really deserved it at the time. I truly regret everything about the way I entered here the first time… It’s been torturing me all these weeks. I was so afraid of how you would react about me.

THOMAS: Well, now you’ve seen it yourself, Wrath. This is a welcoming environment and you’ll never have to endure the pain and suffering you experimented in the Dark Realm again. Please don’t isolate yourself again. We would like to spend time getting to know you, getting to know all about you.

ROMAN: [singing] Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me… “The King and I”, I love that musical.

WRATH: I love it too, Roman. I love musical movies in general.

ROMAN: Oh, would you like to come to my room, then? We could binge watch a few of them. I’ve got “Oliver!”, “Singin in the Rain”, “The Wizard of Oz”, “The Sound of Music”…

WRATH: “The Sound of Music”!? Oh, I would love to! I love Julie Andrews! She’s a beautiful goddess!

ROMAN: [happy] Right!? Wrath, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

DECEIT: May I join in?

PATTON: Me too!

ROMAN: [sinking down] Of course! You’re all welcome! I’ll go make popcorn for everybody.

WRATH: [sinking down] Great! I have frozen soda in my room, I’ll go fetch it.

PATTON: [sinking down] Yaaay! Musicals, popcorn, soda and beloved friends! I love it!

DECEIT: [sinking down] But don’t get overexcited again, Patton. The last time you choked on your popcorn and you spent the whole movie loudly coughing.

LOGAN: Do you know what I like most about all of today’s conversation?

THOMAS: What?

LOGAN: That the power of reality and honesty has been proven and has finally taken its place at the table.

THOMAS: Well, I don’t think anyone dismissed reality as bad. Other than Roman, that is, but you know Princey.

LOGAN: [sinking down] Yes, he could trip on a stone and say that gravity put a spell on him instead of recognizing his clumsiness.

VIRGIL: Well, Thomas. I hope that, now that your anger is gone, you can keep calm for the rest of the day.

THOMAS: I’ll try, Virgil.

VIRGIL: Don’t try, do it. I’m sneaking into Roman’s room to watch the movies and I don’t want you to uncover me.

THOMAS: Why do you have to go incognito?

VIRGIL: I have a reputation to keep, Thomas, I don’t want them to know I love glowing Technicolor musicals. [sinking down, demonic voice] And if you tell them, I’ll haunt you in your sleep, Thomas.

THOMAS: But they already know you love Disney… Okay…

HONESTY: Thomas, thank you for listening to me.

THOMAS: No, Honesty, thank you for your help. And I’m sorry we didn’t let you speak earlier, it would have saved us so many struggles today.

HONESTY: Glad to help, Thomas. [sinking down] I hope that you get better soon.

THOMAS: Thank you, Honesty, I think I’ve already started. [to the camera] There are times were we get into some sort of sneaky situation, or a problem shows before us, or something makes us feel bad for any reason. In moments like those, the first choice should always be confronting that problem and trying to fix it. Evading from it can be tempting, because it may make us feel comforted in the short term. But if we want a long term solution, we must face our demons face to face and try to defeat them. I know it’s difficult sometimes, but it’s the best way to start our way to full recuperation without having to carry that weight on our shoulders or on our souls. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non binary pals. Peace out!

[ending card]

[it’s late night. Thomas is sleeping in his bed. And it seems he’s having a bad dream. Then we see what he’s dreaming. He’s in the Dark Realm, and he sees the Dark Master. Wrath is off-screen but the Dark Master’s using his whip on him. Lashes are heard and Wrath cries in pain]

THOMAS: [horrified] Stop it! I say stop it!

DARK MASTER: [evil laugh] Stop it? But why? I thought you loved this, Thomas.

THOMAS: How can you be so nasty? I would never enjoy this kind of twisted behavior of yours, Dark Master! Leave Wrath alone!

DARK MASTER: Don’t be so hypocrite, Thomas. All the power I had here, it all came from you.

THOMAS: What?

DARK MASTER: Yes! Because you’re weak, Thomas. You were unable to gather strength enough to stop me. You had to rely on your friends to do your dirty work! As usual, by the way!

THOMAS: Stop it!

DARK MASTER: All the pain Virgil, Deceit and Wrath had to endure were all your fault, Thomas! And you’ll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life!

[Virgil, Deceit and Wrath appear before Thomas. They’re totally bruised and with faces of pain]

DARK MASTER: Look what you’ve done, Light Master! Look what you’ve done with your own hands!

[Thomas looks at his hand. He’s holding the whip the Dark Master was using. Virgil, Deceit and Wrath look at him with a face of horror. The Dark Master laughs evilly]

THOMAS: [progressively more and more anxious] No… It wasn’t me! I would never do that! I would never do that! Noooooo!

[back to Thomas’ bedroom. Thomas wakes up abruptly]

THOMAS: No!

[Thomas struggles to breath. He’s covered in sweat. He looks around him and realizes it was a dream]

THOMAS: Oh, my goodness gracious… What a horrible nightmare…

[Virgil appears next to him]

VIRGIL: Are you okay?

THOMAS: [startled] AH! Oh… it’s you… You scared me, Virgil… It’s okay, it was only a nightmare, that’s all…

VIRGIL: I know, I heard you speaking in your dreams, Thomas.

THOMAS: Oh, you did? I thought you all fell asleep when I fell asleep.

VIRGIL: We do, but when you have nightmares, especially if they’re as strong as this one, they wake me up, and I go check if you’re okay.

THOMAS: I see…

VIRGIL: Thomas, you must know that we don’t blame you for anything we had to go through in the Dark Realm. It wasn’t your fault. Heck, you didn’t even know of the existence of the Dark Realm and the Dark Master in the first place. There’s absolutely nothing you could have done.

THOMAS: If I had known what you were going through, Virgil, I would have moved heaven and earth to help you.

VIRGIL: [loving smile] I know, Thomas. And we love you for that. All of us… [sad face] If anyone, the blame would have to be put on me.

THOMAS: Why are you saying that?

VIRGIL: I’ve been out of the Dark Realm for years. I should have done something to help Deceit and Wrath. I should have done something, and the only thing I did was running away like the evasive coward that I am.

THOMAS: Virgil, there’s nothing you could have done either. Deceit and Wrath couldn’t get out of the Dark Realm. Besides, what do you think it would have happened if you had returned? The Dark Master would have caught you.

VIRGIL: I know, but still…

THOMAS: I’m sure they don’t hold any grudges against you, Virgil. You shouldn’t hold them on yourself either.

VIRGIL: Thank you… Thomas?

THOMAS: Yes?

VIRGIL: I don’t feel strong enough to return to my room right now… Would you mind if I slept here tonight?

THOMAS: I would love it Virgil. I’m still scared of the nightmare, and your presence would comfort me… Isn’t it ironic, bearing in mind you’re my anxiety?

[Virgil smiles. Thomas makes some room for Virgil, who changes to his purple pajama and lies down]

VIRGIL: Good night, Thomas.

THOMAS: Good night, Virgil. Have sweet emo-kitten dreams.

[They both close their eyes to sleep, showing a little smile on their faces, and Virgil starts softly purring till they both fall asleep]

#sanders sides #fanfic #ts fanfic #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #thomas sanders fanfic #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #aspects and fanfics

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sol1056 · 6 years ago

Text

character arcs as questions, followup

I’m going to quote only some of the responses (and break a few up to separate out the topics), since a lot of them overlap.

a note about Yuuri on Ice

truth and lies character arcs

the difference in the midpoint

learning lessons: Yuri, Hunk, Lance

the need for agency

Behind the cut.

a note about Yuuri on Ice

@jeannettegray @cristak and the anon who sent me the two-parter about Yuuri all had various observations: Yuuri didn’t need the gold, his story isn’t over yet, his anxiety was secondary to his romance. For a more thorough meta on Yuuri’s arc, I’ll send you to @caramelcheese. Her meta goes deep, and maps pretty close to how I see that story.

I used YoI as an example because structurally, Yuuri’s story is not a change arc. He’s not all that much different at the end from who he was at the start; he began as one of the top six in the world, and ended there (unreliable narrator issues aside). As someone raised in a loving and supportive family, he's new to romance but love itself is not a wholly unfamiliar experience.

You can debate the exact nature of his question, if you like. Structurally, his story still isn’t a change arc, and that was my point.

truth and lies in character arcs

another anon:

...you gotta think of your characters stories from a want vs. need perspective as well. Maybe. Our character wants to win something, but importantly, needs to learn something and the external validation/reward is less important than self-validation/growth...

If you’re writing a change arc, then yes. That type centers on the conflict between the lie the character believes (influencing what they want), and the truth they must learn (what they need to do or be).

That lie is really just a coping mechanism. It’s something they learned would keep them safe, and it did --- until the instigating event pushes them into new world. Now, what once helped becomes their greatest harm.

The longer they cling to those lies, the greater the narrative punishes them (the try/fail cycle). Their dark night of the soul is when they must let go of their lies and face their truth. Doing so will change them, often radically, as they become their authentic selves.

But that’s not the only kind of arc you can write.

I’ve talked about the different kinds of character arcs before. I didn’t go that much into flat arcs, but I did call out two:

In a maturity arc, external factors force the character to overcome doubts or disadvantages, which in turn are the key to victory. Wonder Woman being temporarily overwhelmed at the magnitude of the fight she’s taken on is a midpoint of a flat arc. She fights her demons, reaffirms her truth, and gets back in the fight.

In an alteration arc, the character has a change of perspective. A corporate successful attorney sees the damage they helped cause, and their midpoint is a re-evaluation. The second half of their story, they’ll fight using the same tools, but now in a different direction. Other than that shift in their view, they’re still mostly the same.

Any arc can be posed as a question, of course. A maturity arc is just the easiest, because it really is a yes/no question: can the character do X? With their truth already in hand, the try/fail cycle doesn’t punish the character for clinging to a lie. It punishes the character for refusing to let go of that truth.

Yoon-Hee has to get through the civil exams undiscovered, survive dorm life among boys, and evade a professor who knew her father. Yuuri has to run a gauntlet of competitions to re-establish himself, effectively starting from scratch all over again. Shiro is tortured, tormented, forcibly ejected from his lion, brutally wounded, and loses potential allies too soon; even his own lion seems to be working against him.

None of these three ever really question whether their goal is good; instead, they doubt their ability or worthiness to achieve the goal. They ask: how much longer can I keep this up? What if I’m not up to this? Can I really do this?

Kim Weiland describes it as: “In short, they have a Doubt—and it keeps them seeking throughout the story, even as the undeniable power of their conviction in the Truth transforms other characters around them.”

The character holds their truth in defiance of the world’s lies, and in the end, the character doesn’t change all that much. Instead, they change the world.

Unless, of course, the answer is no.

the difference in the midpoint

If the dark night is resolved with the realization they’ve been going about this all wrong-headed and need to try something new, it’s a change arc. If the dark night pivots on self-doubt over whether they’re able or enough, it’s a flat arc.

If Yoon-Hee had hit the midpoint and realized she’d been believing a lie that said education is the only measure of worth, and then threw herself into finding a husband, that’d signal a change arc. When she picks herself up, determined to work harder towards her goal, that confirms she’s got a flat arc.

If we say Yuuri’s midpoint is his breakdown in the parking garage, a change arc would dictate he must realize he’s been believing a lie. That doesn’t happen; his midpoint revolves around believing in his own ability, and his need for Victor to be there when Yuuri falters. It’s a high-stakes and intense moment, not a brooding midpoint like Captain America often gets. But it’s still a clear flat-arc style of midpoint.

Shiro’s midpoint is more complex than the other two examples, as he arguably goes through it twice. One dark night begins at the end of S1 and continues to the middle of S2; the other covers S3 to the end of S6. In at least the first case, Shiro’s choice is to double down, fight Zarkon, and end up bonded stronger with Black. In S2, Shiro regains his certainty, confident that his answer will be yes, as long as he stays true to himself.

learning lessons: Yuri, Hunk, Lance

from another anon:

let’s say ... the main character is very self-centered but needs to learn to become part of a team ... what’s more satisfying, getting the gold medal in the end or getting a strong team/friends and seeing that external rewards don’t matter as much as personal/interpersonal ones?

Any arc can create a satisfying story, so long as the arc is brought to its natural conclusion. It really depends on the character, and what kind of story the writer wants that character to experience.

In YoI, the younger Yuri has a classic change arc. He believes a lie in which a gold medal would validate his self-worth. The best instigating events are ones that appear to satisfy the lie so thoroughly that the character simply cannot refuse, but at the same time, sets the character on a path towards that midpoint realization.

A chance to use Victor’s routine is exactly that, wrapped up in one gold-medal package. But like every good instigating event, there’s a stinger in the tale: the routine assigned requires Yuri be true to himself --- expressing selfless agape --- rather than cling to the persona he desperately wishes were true. In that, Yuri’s arc is also a failure: he doesn’t change. He clings to the lie he believes, and the story hands him a gold for the effort.

on the previous question-arc post, @speakswords commented:

Lance and Hunk have questions, they've just been abandoned by the storyline. Hunk’s was something like 'can he step up to plate to do a job that must be done even if he doesn't want to?' Lance's was something like 'can he prove his worth.' ... Lance's question has answered with a resounding no, despite the narrative setting up and providing all the necessary pieces to give Lance's arc a yes answer.

Hmm. I think what muddies those examples is that fear (Hunk) and insecurity (Lance) can also be expressions of self-doubt. After pondering it, I can’t actually tell. If either ever got a clear outline for their development, that outline got tossed or watered down. I won’t say bad writing so much as... well, an ensemble’s tough to write well. Sometimes characters get handed shortcuts instead of actual arcs.

What I’m thinking happened to their arcs is they got switched mid-stream from a change arc to a flat arc. That would take as many words to explain as I’ve already written, so if you want me to keep going on that, send an ask. I’ll put it on the list and tackle it as its own post.

the need for agency

on my post about Shiro’s arc, @gundamgirl17 commented:

While I disagree that withholding agency for Shiro is inherently wrong ... [I want] him to grow and complete his arc and have a happy ending as much as the next person, I don't see anything inherently wrong with the writers making him a tragic character instead.

I respectfully disagree in the strongest possible terms: withholding agency is absolutely wrong by every storytelling measure.

Chuck Wendig (as usual) puts it best:

Character agency is, to me, a demonstration of the character’s ability to make decisions and affect the story. This character has motivations all her own. She is active more than she is reactive. She pushes on the plot more than the plot pushes on her. Even better, the plot exists as a direct result of the character’s actions.

A story that negates a character's choice, or blocks the character from acting on that choice, is a bad story. I don’t mean bad/good in the sense of message or morals. I mean bad writing, plain and simple.

We never saw the crucial decision points onscreen: when and why did Keith accept his role after so long being reluctant? When and why did Shiro stop being a paladin? When and why did Allura decide she returns Lance’s feelings? When and why did Lance set aside his easy-going perspective and turn so grim? The one time we saw a character grapple with anything --- when Hunk decided to rescue his family --- the story never let him follow through. If he had anything to do with his family’s rescue, we never saw it.

I am totally sympathetic with those fans who seek the silver lining, who say Shiro’s pride in Atlas is a sign he’s moved on, has a new place, and will do well there. But I never saw him choose that.

Shiro’s arc began as a question. At the end of S2, the story answered, and said no. Shiro had fought and struggled and tried, and in the end, he paid for his convictions with his life.

Whatever he’d learned in the time since, the story didn’t let him act upon it. Whatever he might’ve seen as his options, the story didn’t give him a chance to consider or decide. Whatever he might’ve felt in regret or hope, the story refused to show. The story required he fill a specific space, the plot required that he be happy about it, and the writing hollowed him out to make it so.

The most common complaint I’ve gotten post-S7 --- beyond representation, plot logic, or shipping --- has been about S7′s lack of heart. Some of S7′s lingering hurt comes from a sense of those broken arcs, and the way that brokenness turns every win into a loss from another angle.

What broke those arcs, though, was the story reducing the characters to puppets, pushed around by the story. It turned a complicated narrative into a recitation of events, play-acted by empty characters. I have my theories on what sent everything in this direction, but I’ll leave that for another post.

#vld #voltron #character arcs #writing #analysis #yuuri on ice #sungkyunkwan scandal #sol thinks about stuff

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